first day blues

well they're back. and i remember them all too well.

so well, in fact, that my brain is trying to convince me that i know how this goes. i know what it's like. and i'm not being cynical to have prepared myself for mostly pointless classes and annoying group projects.

it's even trying to convince me that i am "better than" those students who came right into the MSW program from their BSW. that i don't need or want more friends. i just have to grit my teeth and get through it. two years. just do it. just do it for the degree.

but you know what? that all just makes me so sad. why is my brain so proud? why is it so quick to judge? why oh why won't it let this be a new place? a new time. a new people. a new brain connection.

okay. maybe some days will be boring. maybe some days will be frustrating. maybe some days i will miss the friends i'm used to having around at school.

but maybe some days that peppy girl who is so excited by the world will say the just the right thing to me when i walk into class. maybe some days my professor will tell a story that i can't get out of my head. one that will stay there, and inform so many interactions of mine that follow that moment. maybe some days the professor i had placed into a neat and tidy box, and had determined that i would learn nothing valuable from, would assign a paper that made me think-- made me organize the jumble of words in my head and spit them out in a logical fashion. 

maybe, maybe i'll learn some humility. some patience. and catch my breath before i plow in there, dig myself into a bitter hole and confine myself to that awful hole for two whole years.

i need these people. i need this school. and i need this time. 

but i am so tired of working to convince myself. i just want to feel it. 

soon, i hope. soon.