oh, august

yes. yes. and yes.


sigh..

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a tale of slow progress

this is the story of a garden...well, no, not a garden- my garden. yes. (did you hear the hint of pride in that statement?)

i don't have much time to write, so think of this like one of those picture books with no words. you see what's happening...feel free to invent the dialogue yourself.

this last one isn't my plot, it's the view i have from the gardens- never before have i seen a park so well used. i bring an ipod with me to listen to music while i plant, but i never actually listen to it. i listen to the basketball and the voices on the pavement, the kids squealing in the water spray park, the eclectic music that blares from the shelter speakers every now and then, and sometimes chat with my plot neighbors or my kid visitors. 


as you can see, it's a tale of slow progress. i am absolutely delighted to see the plot that was so thick with weeds (that i didn't even realize it was a plot at all!)...is now home to hibernating (for now) seeds, and a select few veggies. (and watermelon- i guess that's not a veggie.)

it's all an experiment, as my many garden mentors have reminded me, time and time again. go with it. delight in everything that pops up and produces even a bud. so, here's to easy delight.

i'll report back soon with the progress.

conclusion

i have come to the conclusion:

i must be able to continue to hope.

i must be able to continue to see strength.




there should always be more hope...and there is always strength. somewhere.

too late

i just shouldn't have checked my work email tonight. 

sometimes...sometimes it just really feels like it's too late. and no, tonight, i am not referring to the actual time on the clock.

reading this, and finding a bit of peace:

life's not a battle

life's not a battle,

but adventure,

not a test,

but an

experiment

we undertake

with curiosity

because

we want

to know

how something

works.

'tis knowing this

as simple fact

makes all

the difference.

~judy brown

yes. i want to know how something works. lots of somethings.

sanctuary

it is a sanctuary out there, people. a sanctuary. the frogs. the birds. the tiny insects. the heat lightning. the cracks of thunder. the whooshing of water as it crosses the dam. the thick smell of all of things spring- soil, grass, wildflowers, herbs, things new and old, awakening. and the trees- the circle of trees. with a stump just my size. thank God for that. truly.

the light drops of rain on my walk back. the huge, dark, ominous- yet, somehow comforting, sky. my feet planted firmly on the ground. each step. those little drops. little bursts of cleansing.

oh, and lilacs. thank God for those, too.

then the real cleanse comes as i step inside. just as i step inside. down comes the rain. down, down. the thunder cracks a hole in the sky. but it tells me it's okay. somehow this world is infinite and confined at the same time. somehow things are broken and whole at the same time.

somehow his spirit is here. and someday, i think she will smile again. i plant my feet firmly on the ground. for her.

someday i'll learn

it is 11:33 P.M.

no yoga for anna tomorrow at 7 A.M. it pains me to say that, but i...just...can't. my eyes hurt. they have started to do this strange pulsing thing. and i start to feel like i am losing focus. in more ways than one. too many days on end of not enough sleep. by a long shot. i've only been going to yoga and nia for a little over a week now, and yes, i'm already in love again. i hate to not go, but i just can't.

i need to remember- these are the ways i love myself. forgiveness for an extra 60 minutes of sleep for that tired body that had previously determined to get up. forgiveness for a discouragingly stubborn late bed time. forgiveness for no yoga one day. (i will not automatically return to the floppy puddle i was during my long hiatus from any sort of exercise, with the exception of the 6 block walk from the bus stop to work. i will not.) lots, and lots, and lots of forgiveness.

the ponds

every year

the lilies

are so perfect

i can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding

the black,

mid-summer ponds.

nobody could count all of them-

the muskrats swimming

among the pads and the grasses

can reach out

their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that

rife and wild.

but what in this world

is perfect?

i bend closer and see

how this one is clearly lopsided-

and that one wears an orange blight-

and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away-

and that one is a lumped purse

full of its own

unstoppable decay.

still, what i want in my life

is to be willing to be dazzled-

to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even

to float a little above this difficult world.

i want to believe i am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.

i want to believe that the imperfections are nothing-

that the light is everything- that it is more than the sun

of each flawed blossom rising and fading. and i do.

mary oliver

.........................

this morning i need some words like these. maybe i needed a little more time to work out the difficult dreams that have been crowding my sleep. maybe my body was too sore for nia this morning. maybe it's the thought of returning to work after almost a week gone.

but my dreams are teaching me, if i let them. and nia is bringing me into my body- pumping it with blood and love and spirit. and my work, well, my work is...is. is my excuse for the feelings i don't want to feel. not that it doesn't stretch those and sometimes make them more painful than they were, but when i am being truthful with myself, i recognize that they are coming from me. me.

may i be safe and protected.

may i be peaceful and joyful.

may i live with kindness and ease.

may i be safe and protected.

may i be peaceful and joyful.

may i live with kindness and ease.

loving kindness meditation. yes, i'll take some of that this morning, too.

"a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -maya angelou

i have no answers. no. certainly none of those. but my gosh, i have a song. yes.

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taking care of myself

tonight was the first night of my mindfulness based stress reduction class. i really think this class could be magic for me. if i invest in it. our teacher told us we will be expected to do 45 minute mindfulness meditations each day. each. day! yikes. anyone else freaking out for me?? i only did for a minute. i know i have time. i certainly waste at least 45 minutes of each day. i just hope i really do it.

on another note, at christmas i got a gift certificate for this new fitness studio that has nia classes, yoga classes....etc. essentially, healthy exercise for your body. haven't used it in the least. the only exercise i've done is walk a few blocks from the bus stop to work. in a long time. not a good feeling. so tonight i tried to pick out some classes i would be able to make it to (have to drive so it needs to be a night that i have a car, when i'm not working late or in my mindfulness class, etc...). here's the tentative schedule. now, when you see the classes and times..i want NO laughing (or doubting me), ok? only positive encouragement allowed here:

Sunday- 7:00 p.m. Yoga Core Flow

Monday- 7:00 a.m. Awakening Vinyasa Flow (i said no laughing!)

Tuesday- 7:00 a.m. Nia

Saturday- 11:00 a.m. Nia (or, if i have to work- 8:00 5 Stages).

going from sleeping in every day possible until the latest hour possible to waking up and actually being at class at the early hour of 7:00 (two days in a row) is totally do-able...right??

right?

ugh. don't get discouraged already, anna.

well, we'll see, won't we? i think i'm going to think this over a bit more before diving in...

what i will remember

here's what i will remember when i think back on these days:

me in the corner, in my green chair. computer in front of me, playing music. a messy kitchen, and untouched projects across the room. the clock that always tells me it's later than i am hoping. then-oh then- it always comes...the "ohh heck. whatever. forget the time. i like this song." lean back in my chair. reach up and turn off the light, and lay there, losing myself in the song. looking up into the skylight above me.

this. this is my iowa city.

observations from today

1. feeling refreshed and energized while lying in bed immediately after waking up is a very different thing than feeling refreshed and energized after getting up, getting ready and walking out the door. i awoke with great hope for this day. a few short minutes later- after actually removing my body from the bed- well, it was a whole different story. those flights of stairs at work really threw me off- it took a moment for me to catch my breath again at the top of them. is this really what 2 days of immobility does to me? yikes.

2. that great, "things are going to be okay" feeling is much easier to come by on a friday afternoon at work. somehow, it just wasn't there as much today. i'm holding out hope it will come around again sometime soon. holding out hope.

3. how to balance a teen momma's needs with her baby's...especially when she claims they are her baby's. it's always a tough one.

4. so grateful for the calming presence of a new mom and her baby in the tlp apartments at UAY. an old soul, my co-worker called her. i couldn't have said it better. her presence is an important one. i know it.

5. i forgot to look at the stars tonight. usually when i get home at night, right before turning into my driveway, something draws my gaze up and i see the stars. they smile back at me, and i gawk as if they've just appeared, right in front of my eyes. but they haven't. they've been there all along. i just haven't looked up.

good night world.

remembering

i'm remembering what it feels like to be happy.

but i haven't yet forgotten what it feels like to be exhausted.

...working on that second one. here's a bit of progress- i'm going to bed RIGHT NOW.

caroline smith and the good night sleeps

currently listening to a playlist of caroline's music. and finding that she makes me want to write. which is wonderful....if you've made time to write. if not...well then, you're stifling a building surge of emotion and thoughts that just want to be ink on a page or on a computer screen or something, and it's not such a comfortable feeling. until those words find their way out. hoping i make time for that soon.

she also makes me want to sing. in a folk band. that's not a new one, just one that never seems quite possible. it's a lovely dream, though.

for now, here's caroline and the good night sleeps (speaking of a good night's sleep...probably should be working on that...right about now)

how to understand

i have had some incredibly hard times at UAY, but sometimes, it really makes me think.

thinking a lot tonight. thinking a lot about how to understand how life works...how to make sense of it...in a way that doesn't make me think life is completely unfair. how to not become embittered and repulsed by the things some people endure. how to love instead of rage. truthfully, i am having a hard time putting my thoughts in to words in this moment. there is a lot to figure out. to comprehend.

and i'm pretty sure there always, always will be.

listening to this song right now, and i haven't paid attention to the lyrics in the slightest, but it is the perfect song to hear right now- what else is coming, by idiot wind.

1.9

just something i'd like to note and remember for always before dropping in to my bed for a deep, dream-filled sleep (my nights have been filled with crazy dreams lately):

1.9 million signatures to recall walker. 1.9! the people have spoken. i wonder if he will listen this time.

that is one heck of a beautiful number. good night, world.

mittens

this is a sad, sad story.

the night before last, i lost my most beloved pair of mittens. they were knit, blue patterned, handmade, fleece-lined and kept my cold, cold fingers warm. what a joyful discovery that was- there is pair of mittens that can actually keep my impossibly cold hands warm. they were a present from my grandma. i had picked them out from a store in bayfield. waited patiently for christmas when they would find their way under the tree. and now, they are gone..

it makes me want to cry.

sometimes you just can't handle losing your mittens, you know?

so, if you see a lost, lonely blue knit pair of mittens, tell them i am missing them, too, and send them my way please, ok?

thanks friends.

bed time

once i give up on getting to bed at the time i was shooting for...ohhh man, it's a sad state.

for the first few minutes, i might entertain the idea that i'll just be a *few* short minutes late.

HAH. well, my already sleep deprived brain ensures that i slowly trick myself into just checking out another song, or maybe just writing a blog (...) or checking that one thing i've been meaning to check for weeks..heck, anything except complete the task which i am staying up to accomplish. it's a vicious cycle, you see- one that i would never wish upon you, dear friends.

so, i'm telling you as one who knows and has personally experienced the dastardly affects of the sleep deprivation cycle- do not miss your bed time!!! well, i guess that's only so dastardly if you have the same sort of pattern as me...but don't miss your bed time anyway. life's much more fun when you get enough sleep (that i do not know from personal experience, but i've sure heard some wonderful stories.)

yes, i know how many of you are laughing at me. go ahead, mock away. i will stand firm in my pride of this new discovery. THIS could be the turn around!

good night one and all.

image

low expectations

my friend asked me earlier if work exceeded my low expectations. i am sorry to say, up there until the end of the day (at which time a very frustrating conversation took place), it had a small chance, but no such luck after that.

but sometimes things just suck, right beth? i may try to have a meeting with my supervisor soon. it's pretty bad when you can't fathom another 8 months, wouldn't you say? and i mean really, i cannot. fathom. it. maybe another week. maybe 2 if that's all i had left. but..8...no. no.

on another note, after that awful conversation, i went to hang out with this girl in one of UAY's programs (and i would have sworn to you that she hates me had you asked), and lo and behold, she talks! she shared some really hard thoughts with me. and some scared thoughts. i was honored. and i was humbled by how easily i had separated her from myself...but really, her struggles sounded awfully similar. and then, she asked me how my break was. she..asked...me. wow. never thought i could be so honored by a question. no, it wasn't a two hour conversation. and no, she didn't seem to be particularly enlightened by me or my responses. but it was a real nice step forward. a real nice one indeed.

and on my last note (i was still going to try to read another article for my class on thursday, but man my eyes are drooping), i discovered this song a few days ago and have found that i can't get enough of it. it just makes me feel...relieved, or something..

"losers" by the belle brigade.

the dreamer

the dreamer...click here for a listen. let me tell you, it is well worth it.

i'm just a dreamer but i'm hanging on

though i have nothing big to offer

i watch the birds, how they dive in, then gone

it's like nothing in this world's ever still

oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird

why can't that always be

tossing aside from your birches crown

just enough dark to see

how you're the light over me

.ttmoe.

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an explanation

i think i often only make time to write on here when i simply have to...when there is little else that will move me through a time. so, for those of you who are starting to think i am a seriously depressed person, know that there are times when i am quite happy and content and thinking wonderful things about this world we live in, i just (sadly) don't often share those on here. let's make that an "anna goal" for 2012- to write about everything- not just the sad, not just the good, but even the nothings or the in betweens.

but rest assured, those of you who are worrying about my mental state. this has been a hard year, no doubt, but it's things like writing on here that have helped me to endure those times. and, even today, only an hour or so after writing that earlier blog, i'm already inching (or centimeter-ing) my way up.

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off to a slumping start

right now i am overwhelmed. my body is sick and my mind is tired and there is a dread that is slowly, slowly filling me up and causing me to fear i may drown in it before the dreaded sunday arrives.

you know those times when you can't even figure out anymore what it is that is making you sad? or those nights when it feels like you slept at most a half hour at a time, waking each time confused by that jumbled, eery version of a dream? and then the morning- the morning that no doubt brings cloudy skies and a heavy weight on your chest, reassuring you there will be no joy in this day.

so, in my attempt to zone out and distance this unhappy self i have awoken to, i go on facebook. incredulously, i find post after post by seemingly happy people, contented with their life, going on as if everything is just peachy. how can they be in the same world as me? don't they know nothing is good, nothing is happy, no one is content? the most disorienting is new pictures of my friends and i at a recent reunion in ca. i am smiling. i look happy. and then there are the people who i know are going through rough times. some mention it briefly, only to be followed by a shockingly positive response, and some don't mention it at all. am i just a wallow-er? is this rather unusual? i don't want to be the person that draws out her pain and refuses to stand up and move on until i have spent a sufficiently long enough time feeling sorry for myself and encouraging everyone else to join in. i am hesitant to really post this because this sounds so dramatic and self-pitying, but i have confidence you all understand this is just one moment in time, and apparently it's especially in these moments that i need to write.

it really is a frightening feeling to live in. the thought of returning to iowa city makes me physically sick. the friends i so recently hugged for the first time in a long, long time, i also hugged goodbye for a while now. that little 21-month-old with such curiosity, such happiness, such interest, such wisdom, such love for all things outdoors will soon again forget my face and our fun times playing together. i hope he doesn't forget how much i love him, even from far away. i love groups of friends, and i love those first few moments of contentedness when everyone is back together, but sometimes big groups are hard for me. i find that i can't really talk to people in big groups- at least, not very well, and not everyone. so, then, i wait for a good moment, but when there are lots of people, for lots of the time (and the time i speak of is limited), well then, sometimes that time doesn't come. and you have to say goodbye before you are ready. quite honestly, i'm never really ready to hug these beautiful people goodbye.

these thoughts, among others, crowded my mind as my plane lifted out of santa ana, ca, turned around over the ocean for one last glimpse of the pacific and then headed east. east to brown, barren land that is unseasonably warm, yet still blowing a chilling wind. i have lots to read for my class this week. i have a report to write. i have to go back to work- i have to feel rather useless, powerless, worried about my hours and like i am never doing quite the right thing. i have to heal and recover from this obnoxious cold. at this point in the list i am realizing the lie i have written- i do not "have" to do anything. but these are the things i have been doing, tend to do, and am afraid i will continue to do. and, because this is what i do when things get overwhelming and i don't know what to do, i need to read. read. read a lot. the wisdom of people encourages me- reminds me of the wisdom in our world, and of the chance that quite possibly, that wisdom lies in me, too.

this was hard for me to write. who knows if what i have said makes sense, and who knows if any of these stated reasons are really what brought me into this downward slide. i never feel like i am getting it quite right, and then starting to worry that "all these people" who read my blog will get the wrong idea. but, i've decided to trust you all in your various interpretations of this and just go with it.

mary pipher writes,

"Darkness and loss signal to us more clearly than anything else that it is time to expand our point of view."

so, here's to expanding. when i'm ready. 2012, you have your hands full already.