Thursday, December 8, 2011

baffled

sometimes it baffles me how drastically different our lives can be from those we live right along side...the people we sit by on the bus, the people we walk by on the way to work, the people who live less than a mile from our house. i have always wanted to read the book "the other america," but haven't gotten to it yet. just tonight when i was thinking about this, i realized what a perfect title it is for a book discussing and bringing to light the poverty crisis in the united states. the most baffling thing is that "the other america" exists right in the middle of the america of plenty, the america of materialists and the america of more, more, more. we are human beings with eyes, and ears, and hearts, and minds...i just don't understand how there can be such disparity and so much, seeming, acceptance of this...i don't understand. i am not even really talking tangible things- those things don't do anyone that much good (well, OK, food definitely does a body good, but you know what i mean...). i guess maybe what i am talking about is people- people who listen, people who show concern, people who encourage, people who believe in other people- believe the best of other people! why are we so scared to be this kind of person? why are we so scared to listen? why can we only do it for our sister, our daughter, maybe our co-worker, or a good friend, but definitely not that guy on the bus with the dirty clothes? or that girl at work who has gotten pregnant 6 times before the age of 21? no, those people aren't to be trusted.

tonight i am wondering a lot...about why people are so scared, about what it is that makes us so disconnected, and about how in the world some people find the will to survive, and maybe even raise a happy baby or two, when they feel so, so alone.

today my heart was broken for a very scared, very alone momma.

what a crazy world we live in. i just don't understand it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

leah

"we sat side by side in the morning light & looked out at the future together."
-brian andreas

things looks better with leah by my side.

so happy she is here.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

part of something beautiful

may the grace of god be with you always, in your heart,
may you know the truth inside you from the start,
may you find the strength to know that you are

a part of something beautiful...

-alexi murdoch, "something beautiful"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

good days


good weekend with a dear friend.

she just left, and i realize now just how comforting and uplifting it was to have her here. there is something powerful about those relationships that run years and years back...ever since i can remember. and, well, when you move to a place where you know almost no one, there's something powerful in simply having someone here who knows you. so you can come back now, ok, maggie?


these october days my mind has returned many times to october of 2010, and where my mom and i were standing exactly one year ago at this time...mm, yes. those were good days.






Saturday, September 24, 2011

the hard part

this is the hard part.

i know what i'm going back to. i know that there are many unhappy moments.



but still, i'll go. i'll go. and most likely, i'll survive.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

for now

WARNING: this may be a bit melodramatic, but i've just got to say it...


i feel so strange right now.

sometimes the strangeness lifts and i can take a few deep breaths. other times i forget where i am for a moment or two. but i soon remember again.

all a part of the process.

all a part of the process.


"We, little sisters- like everyone else- have had to carve our path in the world."
-Little Sisters: The Last But Not the Least, Carolyn Lieberg




i'm working on it. these things take time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

sweet, sweet boy

this sweet, sweet boy- on my mind so much lately.

here is a wise old soul if i ever saw one.

sending him love, love and more love.

Monday, August 22, 2011

mezcla

all i have to say is phew. it has been extremely annoying to me these past few weeks that my picture header was always on the left side, and not centered. well, after some searching last night, i discovered how to center it! no, i have not yet figured out how to make it stretch the whole width of my blog, but maybe it's just not possible?

the banner above is one i created myself....and all of the pictures are actually mine (i took all except the ones of myself...obviously). however, i'm just not sure i like this look as much as one larger picture. i really wanted to use my own pictures though, and i wanted to use a mix of them. mezcla. that's "mix" or "blend" in spanish...i like that word.

anyway, i suppose this shouldn't be my priority on one of my precious last few days in madison before i move to iowa city, but what can you do? when motivation calls....

part of the problem is i don't even know what to do. this is when i need leah to tell me exactly what step to take next, or molly- she's also good at that. i may just have to recruit my mom for that position, seeing as she's the one close at hand...

wish me luck packing, or organizing or planning or whatever it is i'll be doing...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"broken songs"

new favorite song.
i could listen to it over and over...it is soothing, and sad, and true.
it never lasts long enough.

click below, and have a listen.

"broken songs" by jim ward, featuring tegan quin.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

she makes me happy

i'm not even going to pretend like my blog keeps you up to date on my day-to-day activities...by now you all know this isn't true. but i do like to have this space to spill some words or thoughts every now and then. now, onto the real subject of this blog.

She , despite her best intentions, looooves to nap. (she was napping at the time this post was originally written.)

She helps me make sense of things.

She thinks i'm way better than i am, but who doesn't like to be thought of that way?

She knows how to make spaces good places to be in...

She always has an idea and, thank goodness, a decision.

She has a deep, wise intuition and knows how to hear it.

She leaves her mark, and it's the sort of mark that pulls your gaze to it over and over again- the sort of mark that reassures you.

She is silly...you should have heard her 4-year-old giggle...sometimes you still can.

She makes saying goodbye practically impossible.


Friday, June 3, 2011

my sister is funny.

well, that's really all i had to say. in the title. no need to babble on when you already know the point. here are some pictures to back me up. here is also a link to her blog- her latest post is also proof: molly's blog(as you can see, just put on a country song- i.e. "american honey," and she's off...)(she can also tend to become a bit violent, and really doesn't like to give up until she has won....poor marta)
(she offers food to those without...or the inanimate)(she's a ham in front of the camera....man, you should have seen her when she was 7...)

all of these pictures are from one weekend. imagine the pictures that 25 years yields...mhmm. we got some good ones.

i love her.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

i am. i am. i am.

"i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. i am. i am. i am."
-sylvia plath

needing lots of reminders and thoughts like this, lately...

i am. i am. i am.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

sea of clouds


today i'm in a sea of clouds. nothing i have done, or am doing, seems quite right in this light.

gregory boyle writes in his book tattoos on the heart:
(for those of you not familiar with his "language," or his book/work, he works in some of the most dangerous neighborhoods of L.A. where gangs and gang violence are prevalent, and his work is focused on bringing people out of gangs; a "homie" is a very close friend who respects you, would do anything for you....)

we still have to put our western minds in a headlock and wrestle them to the ground. we think "blemishes" are shortcomings. we think our continually gnarly hardwired responses are not just proof of our humanity but (somehow) of our unworthiness. Homies are particularly culpable here. In an acute gangster version of the stockholm syndrome, homies identify with, and grow attached to, their weaknesses and difficulties and burdens. you hope, in light of this, to shift their attention and allegiance to their own basic goodness. you show them the bright blue sky of their sacredness, and the are transfixed only by the ominous clouds. you stand there with them and encourage them to stare above and wait twenty minutes. "you are the sky," as pema chodron would insist. "everything else, it's just weather."

(.....and then later he writes....)

jesus says "you are the light of the world." i like even more what jesus doesn't say. he does not say "one day, if you are more perfect and try really hard, you'll be light." he doesn't say "if you play by the rules, cross your t's and dot your i's then maybe you'll become light." no. he says, straight out, "you are the light." it is the truth of who you are, waiting only for you to discover it. so, for god's sake, don't move. no need to contort yourself to be any different than who you are.

(end quote)

i am the sky. i am the light of the world. right now, even in this moment.

Monday, May 23, 2011

happy, happy, happy


today thomas and i went to the playground. he can't get enough of the swing. after telling me how "awfum"(awesome) my sister is (i totally agree), he spontaneously bursts into song...his own song. and judging by the words (they went something like "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy") i think i know the title- "happy." the feeling was pretty contagious...

we talked about the birdies, and the doggies (not to be confused with "dogs," according to thomas). and we talked about how his brother, sam, went on a bus once. and the fire hydrant across the street, and how the firefighters get the water out for fires. and the woman (not a "lady," says thomas, but a "someone") across the street mowing her lawn. so many things to talk about at the park.

thanks, thomas, for making me happy.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

apple trees, apple trees and more apple trees.


you know what i love about gardening? you always feel productive after it. something about working with your hands, not staring at a screen, the physical movement, and a soreness in your body later to prove it....and, looking out and seeing the fruits of your labor smiling right back at you.

i went to my grandparents' farm and planted four apple trees, using the guidance and knowledge of my grandma, and the occasional physical assistance of my aunt, grandpa and cousin. what a team we are. it was a long, hard day of work. i don't think i really knew what i was getting into when i started, but man, you need some deep holes for those tiny little things! let's hope all of our effort in every step of the planting leads to healthy, fruitful (literally) beings. ;) notice my grandma in her throne, lovingly arranged by my grandpa. she wasn't supposed to be in the sun- looks like we managed that. by the way, while she's sitting there in 3 or 4 layers of clothing, i'm in a t shirt and definitely sweating. and then notice those skinny little trees covered in promising leaves, standing proud. those...are my children. and their names are zest star (zesty?), cortland (cort?), liberty (libby?) and wealthy (???). i need a little help with a nickname for wealthy. willa?

it's humid today. summer's showing it's true colors, and it's not even officially summer yet. but i'm not complaining. it never lasts long enough anyway.
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Saturday, May 14, 2011

remembering today

funny how in that last post (from oh so long ago), i was talking about remembering, too.

well, this is a much less important remembering, but a remembering nonetheless. here's the deal. i like writing. and i like the idea of a blog. i like the idea of writing every day. i like the idea of consistency (in me, that is). i like the idea of doing things that i have really been wanting to do.

it's just a matter of making those ideas happen. so, here i sat, doing nothing of any importance, and i remembered my blog. and i remembered how i sometimes remember it and think "ohh, i'll do that later. i have to have more time.." well. we know how well that goes.

so, here are my rememberings from today, at this very late hour:

-chilly farmer's market, picking out plants with my mom
-delicious, huge cup of chai tea with lovely company
-drizzly, cold rally to remind our governor that we have not forgotten, and we will not back down
-a quick, yet fruitful planting session in the rain....leading to very muddy shoes, very muddy gloves, and very muddy shovels...but the mess is half the fun of gardening, right? (actually, i don't really think so- but the feeling of accomplishment and pride in those lovely living things now happily sitting in the soggy Earth is not half bad.)
-some warm Chinese take out just in the nick of time for some reeeal hungry stomachs
-planning a trip to chicago coordinating car, train and el transportation...only to discover that i can't take the train after all...it takes too long, and i have to be back in time to babysit on monday afternoon. phooey.
-and then....ohh man, i think i've just been lost these past few hours- can't say i've done a thing productive. but at least i'll be tired when i awake in the morning, right? i mean, that must be the goal of such behavior...

photo credit: artsonearth.com
these happy little things are now living on my patio. i'm lucky, aren't i?

Monday, January 17, 2011

in admiration

too many eloquent words have been written about, and by, rev. dr. martin luther king, jr. to even try to write any to compare. i will only say that when i truly think about the scope of work that he took on, the causes he pondered and confronted, the people he loved- and sometimes inspired, sometimes angered, i simply feel overwhelmed at the thought of it all. who was this man? he was human, so where is this in each of us? do we all demonstrate these same characteristics and qualities, only in ways unique to ourselves? no one will ever be able to quite identify what it was about that time and that man that brought so much to culmination, because, as always it is a mixture of everything....sort of like nature v. nurture...the exact proportions can never really be determined. something magical about that, i think. but really, it seems to me that our reverance and our honor to dr. king should not center on trying to recreate the man he was. certainly, certainly, there is much to learn from his life, and we would be wise to make use of many of his tactics, but we must also make it our own, fitting this time, and fitting our lives, and our personal experiences.

"an individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity"...how truthful and all-encompassing those words are. truly. in our society, it almost seems that the idea that our humanity is truly wrapped up in the humanity of others goes against human nature....but, look at our world today-is anyone really at a place of balance and peace? certainly not those without a home, a job, or health care. certainly not those who are trapped in the sick cycle of materialism and the obsession with money in the corporate world.certainly not those somewhere in the middle, always trying to guarantee they will stay afloat, they will be able to afford college for their children, and maybe someday they will make it big and achieve the american dream. "all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. i can never be what i ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until i am what i ought to be," wrote dr. king. the fact that these words were spoken, and not only by dr. martin luther king, jr...now, that is hopeful. it is something that is hard to fully understand at all times, even for those who believe it, i think. really, what that seems to mean, is "take care of each other," in quite simple terms. be taken care of, and take care of. i wonder if after one experiences the fulfillment in these actions, that truth can be denied? is it that so many, in all different walks of life, have never experienced this? i don't know. the thing to do now seems to be to continue taking care of each other, and allowing others to take care of us, too.

tonight i was proud of myself. i went to a book discussion on wendell potter's new book "Deadly Spin: An Insurance Company Insider Speaks out on How Corporate PR is Killing Health Care and Deceiving Americans"....by myself. i know, not really all that amazing, but as much as i had been hoping i could attend, i was dubious at the last minute and i realized it was simply because i didn't want to go by myself. how silly- really, it's amazing how strong that instinct to recoil when you stand alone is. once again, i was reminded of my admiration for dr. king in that moment. and with that thought- i told myself i must go. what a thoughtful, provoking, at times frightening, discussion it was. too much to go into now, but the man who wrote the book had a story that, like dr. king's, made me stop and pause a moment.

he worked for CIGNA for 21 years as the head of communications. towards the end of his time there, he had been assigned to a group committed to discrediting michael moore's documentary "sicko." he had already had doubts about how he was making his living, this only increased it. then, taking a break visiting his parents in TN, he heard about a huge health care fair of some sort just a short distance from their house on some fair grounds. people from all across the country come to this fair, once a year, to receive free health care. he heard that the place is just packed, and people have to arrive early in order to be able to make it into the grounds. he decided to go, arrived at 8 am, found the parking lot full of cars, but quiet. he later learned that in order to ensure that they would get in, people had parked and camped overnight. walking into the fairgrounds, he saw the massive crowd of people, lines that stretched farther than he could see, people standing in the pouring rain...and he was simply overwhelmed at the thought that these people were there, in part, due to his work. he said it looked like a scene he would see on TV in a war zone, or a third world country, maybe- a bunch of MASH units set up all over the grounds. he could not believe he was still in the US. talking to these people- they were not unemployed deadbeats, simply trying to live off of charity. no, these were people with jobs, some even had health care "plans" (if you can even call them that, with ridiculously high monthly fees and deductables, while offering very little in the way of care). these people, some of whom he had probably even grown up with- why did they deserve this? they simply were not "lucky" like him to land a high paying job, with coverage for things like health care. he vowed to himself there that he would get out of his job, somehow. and that he did, a couple weeks later, unable to shake that image in his mind. he is now a senior analyst at the the center for public integrity, the senior fellow on health care for the center for media and democracy, and also serves as a consumer liason representative for the National Association of Insurance Commissioners. when people ask why we don't have more corporate workers like him, he speaks to the trap that corporate america places its workers in. there is a mindset that one attains in the corporate environment- you are part of the team, and therefore must support the team, you need to fit this role and have the right car and the right house, and put your kids in the best schools, even if that means going into debt for these things....and then you must stay, in order to keep up this lifestyle and to pay off your debt...to explain a piece of it. certainly makes one think twice about those we are quick to despise in that position.

well, wendell potter, and dr. martin luther king, jr....i admire you. thank you for your words, and your actions. they are remembered.