someday i'll learn

it is 11:33 P.M.

no yoga for anna tomorrow at 7 A.M. it pains me to say that, but i...just...can't. my eyes hurt. they have started to do this strange pulsing thing. and i start to feel like i am losing focus. in more ways than one. too many days on end of not enough sleep. by a long shot. i've only been going to yoga and nia for a little over a week now, and yes, i'm already in love again. i hate to not go, but i just can't.

i need to remember- these are the ways i love myself. forgiveness for an extra 60 minutes of sleep for that tired body that had previously determined to get up. forgiveness for a discouragingly stubborn late bed time. forgiveness for no yoga one day. (i will not automatically return to the floppy puddle i was during my long hiatus from any sort of exercise, with the exception of the 6 block walk from the bus stop to work. i will not.) lots, and lots, and lots of forgiveness.

the ponds

every year

the lilies

are so perfect

i can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding

the black,

mid-summer ponds.

nobody could count all of them-

the muskrats swimming

among the pads and the grasses

can reach out

their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that

rife and wild.

but what in this world

is perfect?

i bend closer and see

how this one is clearly lopsided-

and that one wears an orange blight-

and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away-

and that one is a lumped purse

full of its own

unstoppable decay.

still, what i want in my life

is to be willing to be dazzled-

to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even

to float a little above this difficult world.

i want to believe i am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.

i want to believe that the imperfections are nothing-

that the light is everything- that it is more than the sun

of each flawed blossom rising and fading. and i do.

mary oliver

.........................

this morning i need some words like these. maybe i needed a little more time to work out the difficult dreams that have been crowding my sleep. maybe my body was too sore for nia this morning. maybe it's the thought of returning to work after almost a week gone.

but my dreams are teaching me, if i let them. and nia is bringing me into my body- pumping it with blood and love and spirit. and my work, well, my work is...is. is my excuse for the feelings i don't want to feel. not that it doesn't stretch those and sometimes make them more painful than they were, but when i am being truthful with myself, i recognize that they are coming from me. me.

may i be safe and protected.

may i be peaceful and joyful.

may i live with kindness and ease.

may i be safe and protected.

may i be peaceful and joyful.

may i live with kindness and ease.

loving kindness meditation. yes, i'll take some of that this morning, too.

"a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -maya angelou

i have no answers. no. certainly none of those. but my gosh, i have a song. yes.

image

taking care of myself

tonight was the first night of my mindfulness based stress reduction class. i really think this class could be magic for me. if i invest in it. our teacher told us we will be expected to do 45 minute mindfulness meditations each day. each. day! yikes. anyone else freaking out for me?? i only did for a minute. i know i have time. i certainly waste at least 45 minutes of each day. i just hope i really do it.

on another note, at christmas i got a gift certificate for this new fitness studio that has nia classes, yoga classes....etc. essentially, healthy exercise for your body. haven't used it in the least. the only exercise i've done is walk a few blocks from the bus stop to work. in a long time. not a good feeling. so tonight i tried to pick out some classes i would be able to make it to (have to drive so it needs to be a night that i have a car, when i'm not working late or in my mindfulness class, etc...). here's the tentative schedule. now, when you see the classes and times..i want NO laughing (or doubting me), ok? only positive encouragement allowed here:

Sunday- 7:00 p.m. Yoga Core Flow

Monday- 7:00 a.m. Awakening Vinyasa Flow (i said no laughing!)

Tuesday- 7:00 a.m. Nia

Saturday- 11:00 a.m. Nia (or, if i have to work- 8:00 5 Stages).

going from sleeping in every day possible until the latest hour possible to waking up and actually being at class at the early hour of 7:00 (two days in a row) is totally do-able...right??

right?

ugh. don't get discouraged already, anna.

well, we'll see, won't we? i think i'm going to think this over a bit more before diving in...

what i will remember

here's what i will remember when i think back on these days:

me in the corner, in my green chair. computer in front of me, playing music. a messy kitchen, and untouched projects across the room. the clock that always tells me it's later than i am hoping. then-oh then- it always comes...the "ohh heck. whatever. forget the time. i like this song." lean back in my chair. reach up and turn off the light, and lay there, losing myself in the song. looking up into the skylight above me.

this. this is my iowa city.

observations from today

1. feeling refreshed and energized while lying in bed immediately after waking up is a very different thing than feeling refreshed and energized after getting up, getting ready and walking out the door. i awoke with great hope for this day. a few short minutes later- after actually removing my body from the bed- well, it was a whole different story. those flights of stairs at work really threw me off- it took a moment for me to catch my breath again at the top of them. is this really what 2 days of immobility does to me? yikes.

2. that great, "things are going to be okay" feeling is much easier to come by on a friday afternoon at work. somehow, it just wasn't there as much today. i'm holding out hope it will come around again sometime soon. holding out hope.

3. how to balance a teen momma's needs with her baby's...especially when she claims they are her baby's. it's always a tough one.

4. so grateful for the calming presence of a new mom and her baby in the tlp apartments at UAY. an old soul, my co-worker called her. i couldn't have said it better. her presence is an important one. i know it.

5. i forgot to look at the stars tonight. usually when i get home at night, right before turning into my driveway, something draws my gaze up and i see the stars. they smile back at me, and i gawk as if they've just appeared, right in front of my eyes. but they haven't. they've been there all along. i just haven't looked up.

good night world.