dear snow

ahhh, snow, do i admit that i am actually sort of excited for you? perhaps this is because i will not have to drive in you (at least until you have settled). perhaps it is because it is becoming bitterly cold and it may as well be white and cold rather than dead, brown and cold. or perhaps it is because there is always something magical about that first walk in the snow-that sense of pure silence...that feeling that the entire world is coated, enveloped and protected...

waiting, rather impatiently now, for the flakes appear.

*image from weheartit.com

greece

for those of you who are curious...here is just a little snippet of some of my thoughts on greece. i wrote this down a while ago for a few friends who asked me about it, and decided to save it. it is not nearly everything i could say about it, but it's what i was able to get down. here it is:

............................................
greece was amazing. not exactly what i expected…just in the sense that i felt uncomfortable more often than i realized i would….uncomfortable as far as being stereotyped as the “obnoxious, american tourist” and not knowing what i was doing…and confused about such things as "should try to speak greek (badly, but attempt, nonetheless)? or if that is dumb if i can't understand their response or if that would end up being more offensive, etc, etc…and also just trying to find places and do things that would give me a sense of the true greek culture and not the façade that is set up so many places for the tourists. does that make any sense?

despite those sometimes uncomfortable times, and the exhaustion of being in a different culture, i loved being surrounded with the greek language- it is a beautiful one. and the island we went to- santorini- honestly, it is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been.

athens was of course astonishing- the acropolis and the parthenon and the temple of zeus and the ancient agora. we went to this little mountain town, too- delphi- that was one of the most sacred sites of ancient greece (it’s where the oracle was who prophesied, as well as the treasuries which housed the gifts to the Gods, and there was a big theater and several other sacred buildings). that town was breathtaking- right up there in the mountains, with traditional looking buildings, little markets, and in between each building a glimpse into the mountains and the sunset. needless to say, it took my mom and i about 5 hours to get there, when it was only supposed to take 1.5…..we got a bit lost. it’s always good to get lost in greece when 99% of the roads have no name, we can barely speak greek, and the farther into the mountains you get, the fewer the signs that have any english on them. but I did start to recognize the greek characters for “Athens” which was helpful!

on santorini my mom and i rented a car and that was another interesting day of driving down mountain roads not knowing where we were going and almost running out of gas (!), but we ended up finding the ruins of an ancient monastery a ways up the mountainside near a little town. it was like finding treasure. it just felt like a sacred space- the wind was blowing hard, and it was just my mom and i up this mountain, walking around and imagining what all of those buildings used to be, looking out to the sea on both sides and thinking of how isolated those monks must have felt…on the mountain…on a little island in the middle of the sea. i loved that day.

i ate some delicious gyros in athens, and on the last night, my mom and i met these two amazing traveling woman who were also staying at our bed and breakfast right outside of athens. One was from france (but greece originally) and the other from canada (england, originally). we were having conversations in a mixture of french/greek/english- with the canadian woman translating the french woman’s french for us. we had a most enlightening conversation on travel, ancient sites, politics, social systems…so many things. it just made me so happy that we happened to get to eat dinner with these amazing women who sort of served as this special reminder of why it is i love traveling and what it is that you get from it- such a great mix of people with great perspective. i don’t think the trip would have been complete without that.

it was an important trip…but coming back and looking at my pictures and even just trying to talk about it…it was just so much to take in, in only 10 days that i already want to go back…but maybe being there, in the place, it is harder to be able to put your energy into taking it in, and relishing where you are, when you are just trying to be there. does that make sense? who knows. anyway, that is greece in a not so concise synopsis. i hope pics can go up soon- but i have to figure out how to make room on my computer first!
..........................

and there you have it. a little snapshot of anna and mom in greece. by the way- still working on making room on my computer for pictures....ughh.

yesterday and today

sometimes i don't know what to say, but i want to say something. now is one of those times. so this might be a bit of rambling, but oh well. there's usually a sentence or two worth reading in a ramble. so much has happened in these past few weeks that i cannot even attempt to cover it all. instead, i will start with yesterday. and today.
yesterday i played in the first snow with a two-year-old. we ended up using bats to try to push a soccer ball along the sidewalk around the neighborhood until i saw a glossed over look in his yes, a red nose peeking out from a scarf, and asked if he was ready to turn around- "yesh," he replied. the snow didn't stick, but we stood in it, and examined it and remembered (at least I did) how cold it is. i can't even count the number of kisses i received. every once in a while, he would gently take my hand, or lean over to my face, and give me a kiss. then he would turn my head to reach the other cheek, or pick up my other hand. how many of you get a thousand kisses throughout your work day??
good thing this little guy is so stinking cute, because of COURSE now that i have somewhere to be on a regular basis, there are a million things floating around in my little brain that i'd like to do. most involve creating and crafting. (funny- not many involve looking for a job. i guess that is something i am trying to let sit and stew for a little while...trying...). i wonder....if i brought some of my projects with me to babysit....and had him join in...how would that work? hmm. i'll think on that.
t (the two-year-old) and i picked up his brothers from school today and on the way home we had the most interesting discussion of disapparating (you know, harry-potter-style). we discussed the multitude of benefits to this style of travel. let me tell you, there are lots. but before you go getting jealous of harry and his friends, don't forget that disapparating IS rather uncomfortable- you feel like you're being squeezed through a tiny hole, as i was reminded today.

anyway, i'm trying this new thing- it's called "getting enough sleep," and i don't want to get ahead of myself here, but i'm about to head to bed (yes, at 9:23!), and i'd like to make this a habit.

it is delightfully warm and cozy tonight in my house. i wish that was something that everyone could say.

anddd we're back

this title is misleading. yes, mom and i are back from greece. however, i am not planning on discussing it or posting pictures just yet. i feel like i'm still processing it and still have a hard time figuring out exactly what to say about it when people ask. so, if you don't mind, i ask for a bit of patience while i sort things out. i promise you'll get a better description with just a bit more time...in one sentence, however, it was amazing.

i do have a few other things to note though. today i became terribly distracted for quite a bit of time (i'm embarrassed to say exactly how much) by the amazing choir kids of public school 22 in staten island. their awesome choir director has posted tons of videos of them on youtube and they have had literally millions and millions of hits overall. i watched one video and was just intrigued by how 60-70 5th graders in an auditorium could be so focused and emotionally invested in what they were singing. i am not kidding you- not a single kid was talking, or slumped back in her chair, or refusing to participate or mouthing off. not a one. boys and girls alike were equally expressive and though they were all sitting, they were pretty much dancing in their seats. not to mention they sounded beautiful. they have some amazing talent in that choir. and the teacher- mr. b. you can just tell he absolutely loves those kids. he directs them with feeling, and smiles and nods at them throughout the song, noticing each kid individually. he teases them, and he supports and respects them all. here are a few links to some of my favorites. but really, check them out. they will make your day- the kids and mr. b. by the way, they are now quite famous. they have met the likes of tori amos, matisyahu, KT tunstall, matt damon, beyonce, etc. that's the other thing, too- they pretty much sing covers of pop songs-the kind of songs that the kids listen to on the radio. anyway, check these out:

i'll stand by you- the pretenders

no one- alicia keys

all is full of love- bjork

there's more....many more...but that's just a little taste for you.
also, one more thing. before it's even been a week since returning from greece, and before i have even had time to process it, i already have more traveling dreams....i think i'd like to go to iceland someday.

that's all for now. good night moon.

sometimes

sometimes i feel lazy. i think of all things that my very able body and my mind full of connections waiting to be sparked could be doing. could. because a lot of what i am doing does not feel necessary, or helpful, or even...deserved. i sleep too late. despite my hatred of the horrible feeling in my gut when i finally drag myself out of bed at 10:30, 11:00 or even sometimes 11:30 a.m. i then spend too much time "waking up," either getting distracted by the tv or my computer, which after a short while ceases to interest me, yet i remain fixated. then, i stare at my lists everywhere, and while i'm looking at those, thinking of all of those things floating around in my head not yet placed on a list and think "ohhh, what to do??" the most glaring things are, of course, those things that must be dealt with in a timely manner, but just how to deal with them is still evading me. tackling those is daunting, but it's a relief when i finally do. today i did one- i actually figured out my loan stuff! (well, for the most part).

there is one notable exception to this mostly frustrating daily ritual i too often cling to. that is my time hanging out with my elementary school buddies after school. three days a week i go pick up some little friends of mine from school and we play and i observe them and their interactions and we play more. we have great conversations about star wars and friend troubles and forts and harry potter and make believe games and characters i have a hard time following. today i even had the pleasure of viewing a magic show. i always leave refreshed and ready to give myself another chance- ready to lose the disgust with myself lingering from the morning. sometimes i'm even able to come home and power through a few productive things. it's great. sometimes i go for a run or a bike ride. despite the increased safety risks (as my parents are quick to point out), i have to say- i really, really love night runs, night bike rides and night walks. the air feels different. the world looks different. there is an energy to the night that my body picks up on and connects to. it cleanses me. the stars and the moon watch over me, and the lake laps along beside me. let me tell you, they are great companions.

i'm not sure what the point of all of this writing is. i guess all of this means i'm still figuring things out. i don't really know when i won't be figuring something out, but i feel that is a good thing.

someday maybe i will figure out how to have an open schedule and do things that i need to and that i want to and that i feel good about doing. or maybe holding that over my head is what is making it so hard for me. maybe i should just start with one thing.

my future home

this is the sort of place i can see myself living- with a few modifications to make it a bit homier, and cuter (paint it white? plant millions of flowers outside of it? decorate differently inside?). anyway, i suppose there's plenty of time to figure out those details. check it out- the best part is the video farther down in the article.

the tiny house

enjoy. ponder. dream.

stuck

in the application i am working on right now, it asks me, "if there were no restrictions upon you, what would you most like to do in your life, and why?"
this should be an easy question, no? well, i am at a standstill. i can think of a few, very ambiguous or cliche responses, but they just don't feel right. i can't seem to figure it out. i don't feel like this should be that hard.
it's probably good that i can't ask someone else to answer this for me, or i might try.

happy birthday, dad

this guy is a pretty great one. i mean, the pictures say it all- he dances, he sings, he grills, he laughs, he eats, he reads the newspaper, he loves his family...what more could you ask for? well, actually, he is a whole lot more than these pictures depict. he teaches me to do what i love and to be a well-informed citizen. he teaches me to value my education and summer days. he teaches me humility and respect. he teaches me to be sarcastic and to take my work seriously, but leave room for fun. he teaches me how to pump up my bike tires and to love football and basketball. he teaches me loyalty to wisconsin teams and family and friends. he teaches me to form my own opinions and that reading is an enjoyable and perfectly good way to spend one's time. and today, after 4 years of being away on september 9, i finally get to be here for this special day that celebrates the guy that he was, is, and is still becoming. happy birthday, dad (or, should i say "mr. wonderful" ;). i love you so much.

frustrating things

things i spend too much time doing:
sleeping in late
going online
thinking about other things i need to be doing while i'm doing one thing
being distracted by the tv
spending money

things i spend too little time doing:
filling out applications
calling friends that i miss dearly
reading
planning upcoming adventures
going to bed early (well, at a decent hour)
writing people letters/cards
writing....for me
taking pictures
collaging

ok, i'm done ranting now. awareness is the first step to changing, right?

summer is over

the wind is biting and the sky is gray. seems to be a bit of a preview of the fall. it has left me feeling a little unsettled and seeking comfort today.

.........

dogfish

some kind of relaxed and beautiful thing
kept flickering in with the tide
and looking around.
black as a firsherman's boot,with a white belly.

if you asked for a picture i would have to draw a smile
under the perfectly round eyes and above the chin,
which was rough
as a thousand sharpened nails.

and you know
what a smile means,
don't you?

*

i wanted the past to go away, i wanted
to leave it, like another country; i wanted
my life to close, and open
like a hinge, like a wing, like the part of the song
where it falls
down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery;
i wanted
to hurry into the work of my life; i wanted to know whoever i was, i was

alive
for a little while.

*

it was evening, and no longer summer.
three small fish, i don't know what they were,
huddled in the highest ripples
as it came swimming in again, effortless, the whole body one gesture, one black sleeve
that could fit easily around
the bodies of three small fish

*

also i wanted
to be able to love. and we all know
how that one goes,
don't we?

slowly

*

the dogfish tore open the soft basins of water

*

you don't want to hear the story
of my life, and anyway
i don't want to tell it, i want to listen
to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

and anyway, it's the same old story--
a few people just trying,
one way or another,
to survive.

mostly, i want to be kind.
and nobody, of course, is kind,
or mean,
for a simple reason.
and nobody gets out of it, having to
swim through the fires to stay in
this world.

*

and look! look! look! i think those little fish
better wake up and dash themselves away
from the hopeless future that is
bulging toward them.

*

and probably,
if they don't waste time
looking for an easier world,

they can do it.

~mary oliver

.....
etc

the boy of summer

it seems i am still getting used to this whole blogging thing and how to keep it going in a fluid motion. i have a surge of energy and pour so much of myself into it for a few days (almost to an overwhelming degree) and then i wait a few months till i write again. sigh. oh well. someday i'll figure it out. or not. we'll see. at any rate, i'm back again.
for the most part, i have been spending my time with a lovely young man....probably not the kind of young man you are thinking of- perhaps a little younger, but he has been just the young man i have needed this summer. i mean, just look at the kid- can you resist any of those looks?



i certainly can't. don't get me wrong- we have our "up" days, and our "down" days, but i just love this little guy. see that picture of him looking out onto the water? he could sit like that for hours, just watching the boats, the ducks, the people and (sadly for our lakes) the garbage float by- just talking about it, using his imagination to carry him maybe just a few feet to a boat he sees out on the lake, or perhaps light years away to an infamous star wars planet. and on tired days (which occur much more than i would like), i will admit- his pretend games and his imagination and his constant pulling me in with a multitude of questions (often his way of conversing) are exhausting. but on those rare not-so-tired days, or those tired days in which i happen to feel a sudden burst of energy, i see what i am missing when a big part of me is simply yearning for a nap most of the day. his questions are earnest, asking for reassurance and also for understanding. his thoughts are interesting and imaginative. he remembers every little story you tell him. i just wish so badly i could be inside his brain sometimes....we're driving in my car, listening to "hip hop" of course- his first request when we enter the car- and out of the blue he asks "was your roof leaking? did the water drip on molly in her bed? did the worker guys fix it?" what in the world made him think of this story just then? i may never know. he seeks categorization in this complicated world, and i totally get that. wouldn't it be simpler if people were just "good" or "bad"? but, as i think his many questions indicate, he is starting to realize not much about the world is simple. he teaches me patience, openness, a new perspective, questioning, the power of words, the power of actions, the power of choice, imagination....
anddd with that, i will say good night. good night moon- you sure are bright and full tonight. it's reassuring.

the odyssey: part 3 (continued)

here is some video documentation of leah's and my thoughts throughout the escapade of trying to reach the redwoods. we definitely took the road less traveled. enjoy....hope you get some laughs out of these...just click on the links!

redwoods video #1

redwoods video #2

redwoods video #3

redwoods video #4

anddddd.....that's all for now.

phew. that took a long time.

the odyssey: part 3

next stop: redwood state park.
now, this stop may just have the best story to go along with it...but you'll have to be the judge of that. i guess it depends on how well i tell the story. here goes.
leah and i had spent the night at a friend's place in cottonwood, ca (close to redding)- a beautiful little farming town. our friend's dad made us breakfast and we had a nice chat with him before we headed off. we were supposed to arrive at the park in just a few hours. leah punched in the address of the park to the GPS and we were off. it was a drizzly, cloudy day, but we were enjoying our trip (i was enjoying a nap), entertaining ourselves with music and "the question game" (leah's favorite game), when the GPS began directing us off of the main roads and highways we had been traveling on. i could sense the rising levels of alterness in both us, thinking "we must be getting closer!" we continued to turn off of roads onto seemingly more insignificant, less populated ones, until we were on a gravel road, literally called "unpaved road" by the GPS. hmm. but we continued on, confidently. about a half hour later, while manuevering the many, many switchbacks and potholes on "unpaved road," i realized i had not seen any sign of civilization in quite a while. but the GPS said we were but miles from our destination. so we continued on, perhaps a little less confidently (at least on my end). 15 minutes later- during which time we had barely traveled a few miles due to the rough road- leah and i looked at each other and just started laughing. "where in the world are we????" "this doesn't really....look.....right..." "should we turn around?" my favorite response of leah's- "i think this is just a back entrance to the park or something" so, yes, we're a bit ashamed to admit it now, but we still did continue on. a bit later, as levels of concern and confusion had started to rise, i tried to call someone and ask them to look up an address. after we had established leah and i were basically lost, my cell phone lost service. ok. great. but then, the unthinkable happened- we encountered other life forms- yes, people! in a white work truck. they were coming toward us, and came to a slow stop at our window. "are you guys as lost as we are?" they asked. why, yes, yes, in fact, i believe we are lost! they informed us that they went a few miles further than the point we were at and the road was the same....they then asked where we were going. i let leah do the talking- "well, umm, i'm kind of embarrassed to say it, but- redwood national park....?" the men in the truck- "isn't that off of the 101 freeway?" (at this point, we are a great distance from the 101). leah- "ohhh, yeah...um, yeah i think i maybe got the....wrong...address." they told us they had given up on the road, and strongly suggested we turn around too. they left, and- i'm not kidding you- leah still was not quite convinced that we should turn around. however, my resolve had strengthened, and she agreed. so....we turned around!! good for us- better late than never, right? anyway, we go down the road a ways, and see the white truck pulled off to the side. we pass them, and notice them pull out behind us. leah and i realized they had been waiting for us. after finally getting back to to the main road and enduring the same potholes and switchbacks in the rain that continued to pour down, the white truck pulled up next to us to turn the opposite way onto the highway. we wave to the kind fellows, and one hops out of the truck. he comes over to our car and says "ok, do you know where you're going now?" and proceeds to give us directions to the 101. we thank him, a bit mortified at the idiots we had portrayed ourselves to be, and we parted ways. we will never forget those kind men in the white truck.
so, much later than we had hoped, we finally arrived at one of the many redwood state parks. we were immediately mesmerized by the greatness of these trees. we traipsed around the forest, barely noticing the rain falling steadily upon us. i do believe i fell in love that day. there was something so powerful, so wise and so comforting about those trees- those trees that had seen so much in their hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years of life. they reached up to the sky, and my arms could barely encircle even one side of the trunk. but their vastness was not intimidating- rather, i felt protected. even the earth beneath our feet felt softer. this was sacred land. and leah and i were in the midst of it.

the odyssey: part 2

next stop- san francisco. san francisco is a delightfully colorful place...that's in reference to the people, the culture, the buildings, the everything...there is a definite energy to that city. it is alive, and people and things are always moving, but not so much that it exhausted me. it seemed to be just enough- just enough to make me feel alive, too. following the advice of our hosts the night before, we made sure to stop and eat at "mama's cafe"- a local restaurant totally worth the 1/2 hour (at least..) wait. we walked around chinatown, coit tower, lombard street, the golden gate bridge and found ourselves with much too little time for all the places we wanted to experience. i'm not sure if leah would say driving down the one-block-long, strangely curvy lombard street was totally worth the immense effort it took to get there....but now we can look at a postcard of it and say- "hey, i have been there!" when we stopped at the lookout point for the golden gate bridge, we were doing the usual- taking entirely too many pictures of what is really just a bridge (don't get me wrong- i do think it's a beautiful one), but somehow makes you think you must try to capture it at every angle, when a kind fellow offered to take our picture. now, this man did not take one or two pictures, but several pictures- even showing us how to place our hand a certain way so it looked as though we are holding up the bridge (unfortunately leah has those, otherwise i'd put them up). turns out he was not a tourist, but a proud resident of san francisco. he told leah and i he loved to just come down to that point and meet tourists, tell them the hot spots in town, and of course, take their picture with the bridge. he seemed to be a very happy, fufilled man. of course, a few hours in san francisco is not nearly enough time, but it was enough to recognize the familiar feeling that i felt the first time that i went to san francisco....i like this city. i feel comfortable in this city. someday, i will return.

the odyssey: part 1

alright, as you can see, i'm doing some catch up here....trying to finally upload those pictures many of you have kindly requested...many times. so, here i begin the road trip series. for those who don't know (but i think you all do...), my roommate, leah, and i road-tripped from azusa, ca to madison, wi at the end of may. leah's trusty hyundai santa fe- commonly known as "norah"- carried us and our obscene amount of belongings up north to washington state, and then east over to wisconsin. we traveled through yosemite, san francisco, cottonwood, ca, redwood national park, portland, or, seattle, wa, bozeman, mt, yellowstone national park, buffalo, wy, and clear lake, ia, landing us home in madison, wi after a little over a week. as you can imagine, there are so very many pictures from this trip, and i want to be able to share each and every one of them (worth looking at) with you. however, i don't want to bore you out of your minds. so i will begin with the first stop- yosemite!

i'm not exactly sure how to make the mosaic larger, or i would...
yosemite, as you can see, was simply beautiful. leah and i hiked and stood in awe of these massive trees and waterfalls and the green world around us, trying desperately to capture the beauty with a camera lens, but i'm not sure if that's even possible. on the way to vernal falls, we found ourselves considerably soaked by the mist from the waterfall which was at its fullest point during our visit. i literally looked like i had taken a shower with my clothes on. waterfalls are astonishing....
after dragging ourselves away from the vast yet-to-be explored territory of yosemite (at least by us), we passed by a delightful "tie dye jerky" stand on the side of the road. naturally, we had to stop...here we met the amazing woman named pam who runs the stand. she told leah and i that she used to be a lawyer in san francisco and was making tons of money, but then one day realized that she was making money to buy clothes for her job, cars for her job and an apartment for her job, etc. and just decided she had had enough of it. i loved her free spirit. and here ends part 1. come back soon for the next installment of the odyssey....

going back in time....

ok, let's rewind a few months (was it really just a few months ago?) to the very beginning of may....when all the changes that were about to happen were just starting to hit me....the catapult, we could call it...in other words- graduation. for the many people i love that weren't able to be there....here is a little photo documentation to give you an idea of what it was like...click on the link to see:
graduation slideshow
enjoy!

prayers

the boy in this article, ke'andre frazier, has been on my mind a lot lately. i can't imagine that an act like that is anything but a cry for help. i'm not really sure what to do when i hear stories like this. maybe, if you have a spare moment today, you could say a prayer for him, send him loving energy or thoughts, or whatever you are comfortable with. it doesn't feel like much, but i'm trying to remind myself that it is.

home

home home home. yes i am. and let me tell you, home is a strange place. and what is even stranger, is that home can feel strange. could anyone follow that?
day by day, though, it's beginning to feel less and less "wrong" to be here, and more and more just a temporary niche, of which i can make what i want. and i hope to make something unique of it.
today my mom and i spent the day at the farm with my grandparents. we did many good things- pulled weeds in the garden, sat in the sunshine, ate delicious food, conversed about current affairs, books and memories and let ourselves be mesmerized by the bright green of the ground and the soft blue of the sky (or maybe that last part was just me...). so good to be in that place, with those people.
tonight i am tired, very tired. and i was going to get so much done tonight...
and oh yes, before i go- for those who have patiently been awaiting the chronicles of mine and leah's journey home....well, stories are coming soon.
good night moon.

one more thing

also, i just thought i should share that it is absolutely unnecessary for any human being to have as many possessions as i do.

packing

i'm not ready to leave. i'm just not. this is really, really, really hard.



that's all.

filling in the gap

it's been a while...i do apologize to my avid readers (all two of you...). there has been quite a bit going on these past few weeks, and i feel a bit overwhelmed at the idea of trying to convey it all in a blog. so, i was thinking, why even try? anyway, i feel like most of you know what the last few weeks of college, graduation, etc. involves, right? suffice it to say i graduated (though i remember nothing about actually walking across the stage, except that i was definitely beaming when i was handed my [empty] diploma case), and did finally finish my internship portfolio.

in this past week or so of relaxing and contemplating my departure from ca, i have only once or twice felt pangs of guilt for not doing anything "productive," which i am pretty proud of myself for. a few mornings i even woke up and stayed in bed reading a book of my choosing...

lately i've just been getting this urge to write...i'm not sure what....but i have a hard time actually sitting down and doing it, because i have this feeling that it will take a while or, i will just need lots of time for that process. and i think i'm also nervous because it probably won't turn out how i want it at first....and i may not even understand why or what i'm writing until i get a little farther into it. it doesn't seem like that much of a commitment now that i'm writing this out, but for some reason i am a bit resistant to it. i have a feeling that resistance won't last much longer though. mary pipher writes in her book "writing to change the world":

"A writer's job is to tell stories that connect readers to all the people on earth, to show these people as the complicated human beings they really are, with histories, families, emotions and legitimate needs. We can replace one-dimensional stereotypes with multidimensional individuals with whom our readers can identify. In creating a world of I-thou relationships, writers can do much of the heavy lifting."

and she also quotes this wise man, james baldwin, as saying:

"You write in order to change the world, knowing perfectly well that you probably can't, but also knowing that literature is indispensable to the world...The world changes according to the way people see it, and if you alter, even by a millimeter, the way people look at reality, then you can change it."

i find those thoughts quite inspiring.

10 more days in azusa. very strange.

resist completion

i was just listening to some wonderfully calming and inspiring music....alexi murdoch, to be exact....and thought i saw a quote on the webpage that read "resist completion." after doing a double take, however, i realized that it really says "resist compression." but i liked my initial perception. it made me think. i don't ever want to be "complete," i don't ever want to expect to be "complete." i don't want to try to be "complete." what does that mean anyway? i just want to be, in this moment i am in. it seems only natural to have goals to meet, but i hope that i don't ever take those too far, and think that finally, at one point, i will have reached completion.

some highlights of my day:
1. talking to beautiful people at my church (who even gave me a graduation gift)
2. watching "away we go"....i highly recommend this movie if you haven't yet seen it
3. eating a delectable watermelon (that was only .17/lb)
4. sitting in a park on a breezy sunday afternoon, celebrating cinco de mayo (yes, on the 2nd of may), listening to a mariachi band with some wonderful people

and now...i'm off to take a run before the sun sets completely... it may just become another highlight...

it's been a good day.

have you ever

photo credit: flickr

"have you ever" by brandi carlile

have you ever wandered lonely through the woods?
and everything there feels just as it should
you're part of the life there
you're part of something good
if you've ever wandered lonely through the woods
if you've ever wandered lonely through the woods

have you ever stared into a starry sky?
lying on your back you're asking why
what's the purpose I wonder who am I
if you've ever stared into a starry sky
have you ever stared into a starry sky?

have you ever been out walking in the snow?
tried to get back to where you were before
you always end up not knowing where to go
if you've ever been out walking in the snow
if you'd ever been out walking you would know

welcome, little man

*photo credit- tommy coppers
caleb patrick- here's a belated welcome to the world to you, little one. how is it that you are more than we ever hoped and dreamed? you already have a distinct, graceful, steady presence in this world. i can't wait to see where it takes you. and to my dear friend rebekah, what a natural you are. this little guy is luckier than he will ever know. you are just right for him.

you two are one of my nicest thoughts. i love you, rebekah and caleb.

birthdays and visitors

(disclaimer- yes, i do realize im writing 2 posts right in a row, but....they just had such different feels to them, i had to differentiate.)(breakfast in bed on march 30th....)

22. hmm. i kinda like that number. i think i can handle that for the next year or so. i'm really not one of those people who is already freaking out about their birthdays, and getting old, etc...22 isn't old, nope. it's just right for me. and what made it even more right were the people i had with me to celebrate the day.

(molly and i in sierra madre)

(molly and marta outside of my apt door)

now, molly and marta were indeed the honored guests, but many other beautiful people were a part of making that day special, too....including all of the card givers, present senders, phone callers, and text messagers... all i can say is thank you, thank you, thank you....please know that i cherish those words. we spent the morning/afternoon walking around a cute little town called sierra madre, and then went to pasadena where i got FREE frozen yogurt from 21 choices. we went out to dinner with a group of friends at a restaurant in pasadena, and followed a delicious dinner with a little campfire on the back patio of a friend's house....where we made s'mores, of course. all in all- a lovely day. however, i'm realizing its just too much to write about the adventures of M.A.M. (molly-anna-martha) right now, but at another day and another time, those adventures will be chronicled, don't you worry......
time to focus on some homework now, as another dear visitor is coming in tonight...and who can focus on homework when kaitlin is around?! not me, that's for sure.

open hands

in almost one month, i will be graduating from college. let me tell you, it is nothing short of terrifying. nope. honestly, i thought i was immune to this- if you were to ask me at the beginning of this school year if i would be scared to graduate, i would not have hesitated to say "no!" well, now i am eating my words. don't get me wrong- if you were to tell me that i had to stay in school another year, or even another semester, i'm pretty sure i would cry....it's just...it's a pretty indescribable sort of experience. i have been in school ever since i can remember. but terrifying does not mean bad. as the wise brett dennen writes in one of my favorite songs of his "don't be afraid should things happen to change; 'cause change can be a beautiful thing; should things fall apart, be patient like a rainbow; life is loving and letting go" so, i guess that's what i'm about to do- let go of something i have become very accustomed to. something that has been a major influence in how i see the world now. but that means i will have open hands....and open hands are a good thing. open hands are ready for whatever comes at them. open hands are searching, but not grabbing. open hands can feel the cool breeze blow across them. and one day, those open hands will find something new to grasp.
it is infinitely comforting, too, in the beginning of what i am anticipating to be a somewhat lengthy transition time, to know that i have family and friends like i do who are just the support i need. they don't push me and they don't hold me back. their arms are open for me when i need them, but they let me go when i am ready for that, too. their words and their actions affirm me. i am so very lucky.
and this is a good reminder, too, from "big strong girl" by the weepies:
"hold out for the moon
don't expect connection anytime soon
feel the light caress your fingertips
you have just begun
the word has only left your lips
maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun"

flickr

sunset

it really is amazing how overwhelmingly beautiful a sunset can be....this big, yellow, glowing ball hung in the sky last night against a backdrop of a million different shades of orange and it- as cliche as it sounds- almost took my breath away. i drove over the crest of a hill- and there it was, in all its fullness.

the spring wildflowers are out, the foothills are green as can be, and yesterday while i sat outside (correction- sweated outside) doing a little reading, a little boy was swimming in the pool in my apartment complex. yes, folks, it's beginning to look a lot like summer here in socal. BUT, don't let it fool you, i think this is just an especially warm spell. of course it will likely be gone before molly gets here next week. next week! ahhh, the excitement is building for those special visitors. but i can't let myself think about it too much or i simply cannot focus.

on friday i went on a hike in the foothills just a few minutes from my apartment, and i was pleasantly surprised by the trees with big, sweeping branches, the grassy hillsides, and the wildflowers alongside the trail. sometimes when i get stuck in the middle of the city for too long, i forget that there are beautiful places so nearby. last night i went for a walk. some sort of flower smelled so "heavenly," as my mom would say, i could smell it halfway down the street. if my mom or grandma had been there, i'm sure they could have named it, but alas, it will have to remain a mystery. turns out, sometimes a walk is just what i need.

grovely days

some days just aren't the best...you know? i think my sister could describe it best using the word- "grovely"...no, that is not a real word, but just listen to it- i feel like it just sounds like what it means....yucky, gross, uncomfortable-feeling...anyway, today has been one of those days. grovely. plain and simple.
things seem more frustrating, more saddening, more hurtful, more hopeless, and more tedious than i know they really are. despite that knowing, you just can't shake those feelings. agh! it's not a good feeling, but, i know these are valuable days. for some reason. nope, i couldn't tell you why. but i do firmly believe that. especially when we just let ourselves feel it.
so, on this day, this song has been a good one to listen to:
city and colour- "against the grain"
with that, i wish you luck getting your needed rest when we lose an hour tonight...and don't forget to enjoy that extra hour of daylight tomorrow evening!

morning tea and paper...

it is a dream of mine- to wake up early, drink a warm cup of tea, read the LA times, and watch the sunrise....wake up slowly, but surely, and greet the sun as it comes up. but somehow, it always sounds so much dreamier and desirable at night than in the morning when i'm snuggled under my covers. but someday, someday, maybe tomorrow?, i will will myself to get up. that will be a beautiful day- a beautiful morning. i am sure of it.

mmm friday evening

it's friday evening, and i love friday evenings. i have had quite the day and am so utterly content right now to sit curled up on my bed, ready to write a paper on the israel/palestine conflict. started off the day with playing with some kiddos at my internship, a dr's appt that leaves me hopeful that i will NOT have an ear infection for the rest of my life, a free lunch, some refreshing time with friends and a walk in the beautiful southern california sunshine. i tell my friends here all the time that i love the midwest, and there is no place like it, but i must admit, i certainly do enjoy the early march weather of southern ca. something about the prospect of an entire weekend completely open just leaves me with an indescribable sort of peace and elation. no feeling like it...so, you ask, what does the night hold? here's the plan:
listening to keane (hopes and fears album, of course) while writing about israel/palestine
buying some tennis shoes for a possible trip to a national park tomorrow....
maybe a run to donut man? (if i can convince my roommate to accompany me...)
a movie
painting my toes

ok i don't want to get too ambitious here, so i will stop while i'm ahead.
the night awaits! happy friday!