falling in love

nearly one year ago, i wrote my last blog post. it's strange to read those lines. "everything is about to change." and change, it did. again, and again, and again. and here i am 354 days later. a new apartment. a new job. a new schedule in a few short weeks.

i love my new place. it is light. it is windows open all night. it is old, creaky and quirky. it is balconies and french doors. it is shiny wood floors and old black & white tile in the bathroom. it is clear glass doorknobs. it is friends next door and friends above and sweet landlords below. it is plants. and fresh flowers (as often as i can afford.) most everyone who has stepped foot in the place has admired it and commented it that it is just. so. me.

but, until tonight, i just admired it, too. it was technically my "home," but it wasn't my home. my home was 15 minutes away. in my sister's old room. in the four poster bed. on the porches- front and back. with my parents in the other room. i liked to look at my apartment, and i liked to show it off, but if i was honest, i would have rather stayed at that little white house 15 minutes away. in molly's bed.

tonight i thought about sleeping at that little white house-- after all, i had a perfectly good excuse. i am leaving tomorrow morning at 7 AM, meeting a friend there so we can borrow the Prius from my mom for the long drive. but i just wasn't sure. the allure of a TV and company and movies to watch and free food to eat was strong. but after yoga i came home. i opened the fridge and determined to use that last bit of kale before it went bad. what to make? aha! sweet potatoes and kale. now we're onto something. (sweet potatoes have also been sitting in my fridge for a few weeks now.) sweet potatoes, kale and black beans (with a little plain greek yogurt to top it off). simple enough. and so i chopped sweet potatoes and browned them and did a little dance with the olive oil and some cumin and dumped in a can of black beans, and somewhere in between the black beans and the kale, i fell in love. i am not kidding you-- in a moment's time. soothing voices were singing to me, sweet smells filled the kitchen and things felt right. i was awash with love. solitude does not equal loneliness. sure, it can, but those two words are not synonymous. and solitude is not forever, either. but my god, if i can't enjoy my own company, then who can?

and you know what? i knew this feeling because i have felt it before and it is one of the most delightfully overwhelming and reassuring feelings in existence. well, in my existence. i know it because i suddenly want to tell everyone i love them. and everything will be OK and every (truly-- every) thing that irked me two minutes ago is no more. if i were ever to have this feeling in public, who knows what i would do or say to those innocent strangers in my midst. it's a pretty empowering feeling. and i love it.

so here i am, falling in love, and imagining it will stay forever- but knowing logically it won't- but i guess that's part of its charm- when you're in it, you're in it. and it's all you know. so i soak it up and write and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that this place can be home.