anddd we're back

this title is misleading. yes, mom and i are back from greece. however, i am not planning on discussing it or posting pictures just yet. i feel like i'm still processing it and still have a hard time figuring out exactly what to say about it when people ask. so, if you don't mind, i ask for a bit of patience while i sort things out. i promise you'll get a better description with just a bit more time...in one sentence, however, it was amazing.

i do have a few other things to note though. today i became terribly distracted for quite a bit of time (i'm embarrassed to say exactly how much) by the amazing choir kids of public school 22 in staten island. their awesome choir director has posted tons of videos of them on youtube and they have had literally millions and millions of hits overall. i watched one video and was just intrigued by how 60-70 5th graders in an auditorium could be so focused and emotionally invested in what they were singing. i am not kidding you- not a single kid was talking, or slumped back in her chair, or refusing to participate or mouthing off. not a one. boys and girls alike were equally expressive and though they were all sitting, they were pretty much dancing in their seats. not to mention they sounded beautiful. they have some amazing talent in that choir. and the teacher- mr. b. you can just tell he absolutely loves those kids. he directs them with feeling, and smiles and nods at them throughout the song, noticing each kid individually. he teases them, and he supports and respects them all. here are a few links to some of my favorites. but really, check them out. they will make your day- the kids and mr. b. by the way, they are now quite famous. they have met the likes of tori amos, matisyahu, KT tunstall, matt damon, beyonce, etc. that's the other thing, too- they pretty much sing covers of pop songs-the kind of songs that the kids listen to on the radio. anyway, check these out:

i'll stand by you- the pretenders

no one- alicia keys

all is full of love- bjork

there's more....many more...but that's just a little taste for you.
also, one more thing. before it's even been a week since returning from greece, and before i have even had time to process it, i already have more traveling dreams....i think i'd like to go to iceland someday.

that's all for now. good night moon.

sometimes

sometimes i feel lazy. i think of all things that my very able body and my mind full of connections waiting to be sparked could be doing. could. because a lot of what i am doing does not feel necessary, or helpful, or even...deserved. i sleep too late. despite my hatred of the horrible feeling in my gut when i finally drag myself out of bed at 10:30, 11:00 or even sometimes 11:30 a.m. i then spend too much time "waking up," either getting distracted by the tv or my computer, which after a short while ceases to interest me, yet i remain fixated. then, i stare at my lists everywhere, and while i'm looking at those, thinking of all of those things floating around in my head not yet placed on a list and think "ohhh, what to do??" the most glaring things are, of course, those things that must be dealt with in a timely manner, but just how to deal with them is still evading me. tackling those is daunting, but it's a relief when i finally do. today i did one- i actually figured out my loan stuff! (well, for the most part).

there is one notable exception to this mostly frustrating daily ritual i too often cling to. that is my time hanging out with my elementary school buddies after school. three days a week i go pick up some little friends of mine from school and we play and i observe them and their interactions and we play more. we have great conversations about star wars and friend troubles and forts and harry potter and make believe games and characters i have a hard time following. today i even had the pleasure of viewing a magic show. i always leave refreshed and ready to give myself another chance- ready to lose the disgust with myself lingering from the morning. sometimes i'm even able to come home and power through a few productive things. it's great. sometimes i go for a run or a bike ride. despite the increased safety risks (as my parents are quick to point out), i have to say- i really, really love night runs, night bike rides and night walks. the air feels different. the world looks different. there is an energy to the night that my body picks up on and connects to. it cleanses me. the stars and the moon watch over me, and the lake laps along beside me. let me tell you, they are great companions.

i'm not sure what the point of all of this writing is. i guess all of this means i'm still figuring things out. i don't really know when i won't be figuring something out, but i feel that is a good thing.

someday maybe i will figure out how to have an open schedule and do things that i need to and that i want to and that i feel good about doing. or maybe holding that over my head is what is making it so hard for me. maybe i should just start with one thing.

my future home

this is the sort of place i can see myself living- with a few modifications to make it a bit homier, and cuter (paint it white? plant millions of flowers outside of it? decorate differently inside?). anyway, i suppose there's plenty of time to figure out those details. check it out- the best part is the video farther down in the article.

the tiny house

enjoy. ponder. dream.

stuck

in the application i am working on right now, it asks me, "if there were no restrictions upon you, what would you most like to do in your life, and why?"
this should be an easy question, no? well, i am at a standstill. i can think of a few, very ambiguous or cliche responses, but they just don't feel right. i can't seem to figure it out. i don't feel like this should be that hard.
it's probably good that i can't ask someone else to answer this for me, or i might try.

happy birthday, dad

this guy is a pretty great one. i mean, the pictures say it all- he dances, he sings, he grills, he laughs, he eats, he reads the newspaper, he loves his family...what more could you ask for? well, actually, he is a whole lot more than these pictures depict. he teaches me to do what i love and to be a well-informed citizen. he teaches me to value my education and summer days. he teaches me humility and respect. he teaches me to be sarcastic and to take my work seriously, but leave room for fun. he teaches me how to pump up my bike tires and to love football and basketball. he teaches me loyalty to wisconsin teams and family and friends. he teaches me to form my own opinions and that reading is an enjoyable and perfectly good way to spend one's time. and today, after 4 years of being away on september 9, i finally get to be here for this special day that celebrates the guy that he was, is, and is still becoming. happy birthday, dad (or, should i say "mr. wonderful" ;). i love you so much.

frustrating things

things i spend too much time doing:
sleeping in late
going online
thinking about other things i need to be doing while i'm doing one thing
being distracted by the tv
spending money

things i spend too little time doing:
filling out applications
calling friends that i miss dearly
reading
planning upcoming adventures
going to bed early (well, at a decent hour)
writing people letters/cards
writing....for me
taking pictures
collaging

ok, i'm done ranting now. awareness is the first step to changing, right?

summer is over

the wind is biting and the sky is gray. seems to be a bit of a preview of the fall. it has left me feeling a little unsettled and seeking comfort today.

.........

dogfish

some kind of relaxed and beautiful thing
kept flickering in with the tide
and looking around.
black as a firsherman's boot,with a white belly.

if you asked for a picture i would have to draw a smile
under the perfectly round eyes and above the chin,
which was rough
as a thousand sharpened nails.

and you know
what a smile means,
don't you?

*

i wanted the past to go away, i wanted
to leave it, like another country; i wanted
my life to close, and open
like a hinge, like a wing, like the part of the song
where it falls
down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery;
i wanted
to hurry into the work of my life; i wanted to know whoever i was, i was

alive
for a little while.

*

it was evening, and no longer summer.
three small fish, i don't know what they were,
huddled in the highest ripples
as it came swimming in again, effortless, the whole body one gesture, one black sleeve
that could fit easily around
the bodies of three small fish

*

also i wanted
to be able to love. and we all know
how that one goes,
don't we?

slowly

*

the dogfish tore open the soft basins of water

*

you don't want to hear the story
of my life, and anyway
i don't want to tell it, i want to listen
to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

and anyway, it's the same old story--
a few people just trying,
one way or another,
to survive.

mostly, i want to be kind.
and nobody, of course, is kind,
or mean,
for a simple reason.
and nobody gets out of it, having to
swim through the fires to stay in
this world.

*

and look! look! look! i think those little fish
better wake up and dash themselves away
from the hopeless future that is
bulging toward them.

*

and probably,
if they don't waste time
looking for an easier world,

they can do it.

~mary oliver

.....
etc