taking care of myself

tonight was the first night of my mindfulness based stress reduction class. i really think this class could be magic for me. if i invest in it. our teacher told us we will be expected to do 45 minute mindfulness meditations each day. each. day! yikes. anyone else freaking out for me?? i only did for a minute. i know i have time. i certainly waste at least 45 minutes of each day. i just hope i really do it.

on another note, at christmas i got a gift certificate for this new fitness studio that has nia classes, yoga classes....etc. essentially, healthy exercise for your body. haven't used it in the least. the only exercise i've done is walk a few blocks from the bus stop to work. in a long time. not a good feeling. so tonight i tried to pick out some classes i would be able to make it to (have to drive so it needs to be a night that i have a car, when i'm not working late or in my mindfulness class, etc...). here's the tentative schedule. now, when you see the classes and times..i want NO laughing (or doubting me), ok? only positive encouragement allowed here:

Sunday- 7:00 p.m. Yoga Core Flow

Monday- 7:00 a.m. Awakening Vinyasa Flow (i said no laughing!)

Tuesday- 7:00 a.m. Nia

Saturday- 11:00 a.m. Nia (or, if i have to work- 8:00 5 Stages).

going from sleeping in every day possible until the latest hour possible to waking up and actually being at class at the early hour of 7:00 (two days in a row) is totally do-able...right??

right?

ugh. don't get discouraged already, anna.

well, we'll see, won't we? i think i'm going to think this over a bit more before diving in...

what i will remember

here's what i will remember when i think back on these days:

me in the corner, in my green chair. computer in front of me, playing music. a messy kitchen, and untouched projects across the room. the clock that always tells me it's later than i am hoping. then-oh then- it always comes...the "ohh heck. whatever. forget the time. i like this song." lean back in my chair. reach up and turn off the light, and lay there, losing myself in the song. looking up into the skylight above me.

this. this is my iowa city.

observations from today

1. feeling refreshed and energized while lying in bed immediately after waking up is a very different thing than feeling refreshed and energized after getting up, getting ready and walking out the door. i awoke with great hope for this day. a few short minutes later- after actually removing my body from the bed- well, it was a whole different story. those flights of stairs at work really threw me off- it took a moment for me to catch my breath again at the top of them. is this really what 2 days of immobility does to me? yikes.

2. that great, "things are going to be okay" feeling is much easier to come by on a friday afternoon at work. somehow, it just wasn't there as much today. i'm holding out hope it will come around again sometime soon. holding out hope.

3. how to balance a teen momma's needs with her baby's...especially when she claims they are her baby's. it's always a tough one.

4. so grateful for the calming presence of a new mom and her baby in the tlp apartments at UAY. an old soul, my co-worker called her. i couldn't have said it better. her presence is an important one. i know it.

5. i forgot to look at the stars tonight. usually when i get home at night, right before turning into my driveway, something draws my gaze up and i see the stars. they smile back at me, and i gawk as if they've just appeared, right in front of my eyes. but they haven't. they've been there all along. i just haven't looked up.

good night world.

remembering

i'm remembering what it feels like to be happy.

but i haven't yet forgotten what it feels like to be exhausted.

...working on that second one. here's a bit of progress- i'm going to bed RIGHT NOW.

caroline smith and the good night sleeps

currently listening to a playlist of caroline's music. and finding that she makes me want to write. which is wonderful....if you've made time to write. if not...well then, you're stifling a building surge of emotion and thoughts that just want to be ink on a page or on a computer screen or something, and it's not such a comfortable feeling. until those words find their way out. hoping i make time for that soon.

she also makes me want to sing. in a folk band. that's not a new one, just one that never seems quite possible. it's a lovely dream, though.

for now, here's caroline and the good night sleeps (speaking of a good night's sleep...probably should be working on that...right about now)

how to understand

i have had some incredibly hard times at UAY, but sometimes, it really makes me think.

thinking a lot tonight. thinking a lot about how to understand how life works...how to make sense of it...in a way that doesn't make me think life is completely unfair. how to not become embittered and repulsed by the things some people endure. how to love instead of rage. truthfully, i am having a hard time putting my thoughts in to words in this moment. there is a lot to figure out. to comprehend.

and i'm pretty sure there always, always will be.

listening to this song right now, and i haven't paid attention to the lyrics in the slightest, but it is the perfect song to hear right now- what else is coming, by idiot wind.

1.9

just something i'd like to note and remember for always before dropping in to my bed for a deep, dream-filled sleep (my nights have been filled with crazy dreams lately):

1.9 million signatures to recall walker. 1.9! the people have spoken. i wonder if he will listen this time.

that is one heck of a beautiful number. good night, world.