how to understand

i have had some incredibly hard times at UAY, but sometimes, it really makes me think.

thinking a lot tonight. thinking a lot about how to understand how life works...how to make sense of it...in a way that doesn't make me think life is completely unfair. how to not become embittered and repulsed by the things some people endure. how to love instead of rage. truthfully, i am having a hard time putting my thoughts in to words in this moment. there is a lot to figure out. to comprehend.

and i'm pretty sure there always, always will be.

listening to this song right now, and i haven't paid attention to the lyrics in the slightest, but it is the perfect song to hear right now- what else is coming, by idiot wind.

1.9

just something i'd like to note and remember for always before dropping in to my bed for a deep, dream-filled sleep (my nights have been filled with crazy dreams lately):

1.9 million signatures to recall walker. 1.9! the people have spoken. i wonder if he will listen this time.

that is one heck of a beautiful number. good night, world.

mittens

this is a sad, sad story.

the night before last, i lost my most beloved pair of mittens. they were knit, blue patterned, handmade, fleece-lined and kept my cold, cold fingers warm. what a joyful discovery that was- there is pair of mittens that can actually keep my impossibly cold hands warm. they were a present from my grandma. i had picked them out from a store in bayfield. waited patiently for christmas when they would find their way under the tree. and now, they are gone..

it makes me want to cry.

sometimes you just can't handle losing your mittens, you know?

so, if you see a lost, lonely blue knit pair of mittens, tell them i am missing them, too, and send them my way please, ok?

thanks friends.

bed time

once i give up on getting to bed at the time i was shooting for...ohhh man, it's a sad state.

for the first few minutes, i might entertain the idea that i'll just be a *few* short minutes late.

HAH. well, my already sleep deprived brain ensures that i slowly trick myself into just checking out another song, or maybe just writing a blog (...) or checking that one thing i've been meaning to check for weeks..heck, anything except complete the task which i am staying up to accomplish. it's a vicious cycle, you see- one that i would never wish upon you, dear friends.

so, i'm telling you as one who knows and has personally experienced the dastardly affects of the sleep deprivation cycle- do not miss your bed time!!! well, i guess that's only so dastardly if you have the same sort of pattern as me...but don't miss your bed time anyway. life's much more fun when you get enough sleep (that i do not know from personal experience, but i've sure heard some wonderful stories.)

yes, i know how many of you are laughing at me. go ahead, mock away. i will stand firm in my pride of this new discovery. THIS could be the turn around!

good night one and all.

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low expectations

my friend asked me earlier if work exceeded my low expectations. i am sorry to say, up there until the end of the day (at which time a very frustrating conversation took place), it had a small chance, but no such luck after that.

but sometimes things just suck, right beth? i may try to have a meeting with my supervisor soon. it's pretty bad when you can't fathom another 8 months, wouldn't you say? and i mean really, i cannot. fathom. it. maybe another week. maybe 2 if that's all i had left. but..8...no. no.

on another note, after that awful conversation, i went to hang out with this girl in one of UAY's programs (and i would have sworn to you that she hates me had you asked), and lo and behold, she talks! she shared some really hard thoughts with me. and some scared thoughts. i was honored. and i was humbled by how easily i had separated her from myself...but really, her struggles sounded awfully similar. and then, she asked me how my break was. she..asked...me. wow. never thought i could be so honored by a question. no, it wasn't a two hour conversation. and no, she didn't seem to be particularly enlightened by me or my responses. but it was a real nice step forward. a real nice one indeed.

and on my last note (i was still going to try to read another article for my class on thursday, but man my eyes are drooping), i discovered this song a few days ago and have found that i can't get enough of it. it just makes me feel...relieved, or something..

"losers" by the belle brigade.

the dreamer

the dreamer...click here for a listen. let me tell you, it is well worth it.

i'm just a dreamer but i'm hanging on

though i have nothing big to offer

i watch the birds, how they dive in, then gone

it's like nothing in this world's ever still

oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird

why can't that always be

tossing aside from your birches crown

just enough dark to see

how you're the light over me

.ttmoe.

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an explanation

i think i often only make time to write on here when i simply have to...when there is little else that will move me through a time. so, for those of you who are starting to think i am a seriously depressed person, know that there are times when i am quite happy and content and thinking wonderful things about this world we live in, i just (sadly) don't often share those on here. let's make that an "anna goal" for 2012- to write about everything- not just the sad, not just the good, but even the nothings or the in betweens.

but rest assured, those of you who are worrying about my mental state. this has been a hard year, no doubt, but it's things like writing on here that have helped me to endure those times. and, even today, only an hour or so after writing that earlier blog, i'm already inching (or centimeter-ing) my way up.

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