funny how in that last post (from oh so long ago), i was talking about remembering, too.
well, this is a much less important remembering, but a remembering nonetheless. here's the deal. i like writing. and i like the idea of a blog. i like the idea of writing every day. i like the idea of consistency (in me, that is). i like the idea of doing things that i have really been wanting to do.
it's just a matter of making those ideas happen. so, here i sat, doing nothing of any importance, and i remembered my blog. and i remembered how i sometimes remember it and think "ohh, i'll do that later. i have to have more time.." well. we know how well that goes.
so, here are my rememberings from today, at this very late hour:
-chilly farmer's market, picking out plants with my mom
-delicious, huge cup of chai tea with lovely company
-drizzly, cold rally to remind our governor that we have not forgotten, and we will not back down
-a quick, yet fruitful planting session in the rain....leading to very muddy shoes, very muddy gloves, and very muddy shovels...but the mess is half the fun of gardening, right? (actually, i don't really think so- but the feeling of accomplishment and pride in those lovely living things now happily sitting in the soggy Earth is not half bad.)
-some warm Chinese take out just in the nick of time for some reeeal hungry stomachs
-planning a trip to chicago coordinating car, train and el transportation...only to discover that i can't take the train after all...it takes too long, and i have to be back in time to babysit on monday afternoon. phooey.
-and then....ohh man, i think i've just been lost these past few hours- can't say i've done a thing productive. but at least i'll be tired when i awake in the morning, right? i mean, that must be the goal of such behavior...
these happy little things are now living on my patio. i'm lucky, aren't i?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
in admiration
too many eloquent words have been written about, and by, rev. dr. martin luther king, jr. to even try to write any to compare. i will only say that when i truly think about the scope of work that he took on, the causes he pondered and confronted, the people he loved- and sometimes inspired, sometimes angered, i simply feel overwhelmed at the thought of it all. who was this man? he was human, so where is this in each of us? do we all demonstrate these same characteristics and qualities, only in ways unique to ourselves? no one will ever be able to quite identify what it was about that time and that man that brought so much to culmination, because, as always it is a mixture of everything....sort of like nature v. nurture...the exact proportions can never really be determined. something magical about that, i think. but really, it seems to me that our reverance and our honor to dr. king should not center on trying to recreate the man he was. certainly, certainly, there is much to learn from his life, and we would be wise to make use of many of his tactics, but we must also make it our own, fitting this time, and fitting our lives, and our personal experiences.
"an individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity"...how truthful and all-encompassing those words are. truly. in our society, it almost seems that the idea that our humanity is truly wrapped up in the humanity of others goes against human nature....but, look at our world today-is anyone really at a place of balance and peace? certainly not those without a home, a job, or health care. certainly not those who are trapped in the sick cycle of materialism and the obsession with money in the corporate world.certainly not those somewhere in the middle, always trying to guarantee they will stay afloat, they will be able to afford college for their children, and maybe someday they will make it big and achieve the american dream. "all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. i can never be what i ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until i am what i ought to be," wrote dr. king. the fact that these words were spoken, and not only by dr. martin luther king, jr...now, that is hopeful. it is something that is hard to fully understand at all times, even for those who believe it, i think. really, what that seems to mean, is "take care of each other," in quite simple terms. be taken care of, and take care of. i wonder if after one experiences the fulfillment in these actions, that truth can be denied? is it that so many, in all different walks of life, have never experienced this? i don't know. the thing to do now seems to be to continue taking care of each other, and allowing others to take care of us, too.
tonight i was proud of myself. i went to a book discussion on wendell potter's new book "Deadly Spin: An Insurance Company Insider Speaks out on How Corporate PR is Killing Health Care and Deceiving Americans"....by myself. i know, not really all that amazing, but as much as i had been hoping i could attend, i was dubious at the last minute and i realized it was simply because i didn't want to go by myself. how silly- really, it's amazing how strong that instinct to recoil when you stand alone is. once again, i was reminded of my admiration for dr. king in that moment. and with that thought- i told myself i must go. what a thoughtful, provoking, at times frightening, discussion it was. too much to go into now, but the man who wrote the book had a story that, like dr. king's, made me stop and pause a moment.
he worked for CIGNA for 21 years as the head of communications. towards the end of his time there, he had been assigned to a group committed to discrediting michael moore's documentary "sicko." he had already had doubts about how he was making his living, this only increased it. then, taking a break visiting his parents in TN, he heard about a huge health care fair of some sort just a short distance from their house on some fair grounds. people from all across the country come to this fair, once a year, to receive free health care. he heard that the place is just packed, and people have to arrive early in order to be able to make it into the grounds. he decided to go, arrived at 8 am, found the parking lot full of cars, but quiet. he later learned that in order to ensure that they would get in, people had parked and camped overnight. walking into the fairgrounds, he saw the massive crowd of people, lines that stretched farther than he could see, people standing in the pouring rain...and he was simply overwhelmed at the thought that these people were there, in part, due to his work. he said it looked like a scene he would see on TV in a war zone, or a third world country, maybe- a bunch of MASH units set up all over the grounds. he could not believe he was still in the US. talking to these people- they were not unemployed deadbeats, simply trying to live off of charity. no, these were people with jobs, some even had health care "plans" (if you can even call them that, with ridiculously high monthly fees and deductables, while offering very little in the way of care). these people, some of whom he had probably even grown up with- why did they deserve this? they simply were not "lucky" like him to land a high paying job, with coverage for things like health care. he vowed to himself there that he would get out of his job, somehow. and that he did, a couple weeks later, unable to shake that image in his mind. he is now a senior analyst at the the center for public integrity, the senior fellow on health care for the center for media and democracy, and also serves as a consumer liason representative for the National Association of Insurance Commissioners. when people ask why we don't have more corporate workers like him, he speaks to the trap that corporate america places its workers in. there is a mindset that one attains in the corporate environment- you are part of the team, and therefore must support the team, you need to fit this role and have the right car and the right house, and put your kids in the best schools, even if that means going into debt for these things....and then you must stay, in order to keep up this lifestyle and to pay off your debt...to explain a piece of it. certainly makes one think twice about those we are quick to despise in that position.
well, wendell potter, and dr. martin luther king, jr....i admire you. thank you for your words, and your actions. they are remembered.
"an individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity"...how truthful and all-encompassing those words are. truly. in our society, it almost seems that the idea that our humanity is truly wrapped up in the humanity of others goes against human nature....but, look at our world today-is anyone really at a place of balance and peace? certainly not those without a home, a job, or health care. certainly not those who are trapped in the sick cycle of materialism and the obsession with money in the corporate world.certainly not those somewhere in the middle, always trying to guarantee they will stay afloat, they will be able to afford college for their children, and maybe someday they will make it big and achieve the american dream. "all men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. i can never be what i ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until i am what i ought to be," wrote dr. king. the fact that these words were spoken, and not only by dr. martin luther king, jr...now, that is hopeful. it is something that is hard to fully understand at all times, even for those who believe it, i think. really, what that seems to mean, is "take care of each other," in quite simple terms. be taken care of, and take care of. i wonder if after one experiences the fulfillment in these actions, that truth can be denied? is it that so many, in all different walks of life, have never experienced this? i don't know. the thing to do now seems to be to continue taking care of each other, and allowing others to take care of us, too.
tonight i was proud of myself. i went to a book discussion on wendell potter's new book "Deadly Spin: An Insurance Company Insider Speaks out on How Corporate PR is Killing Health Care and Deceiving Americans"....by myself. i know, not really all that amazing, but as much as i had been hoping i could attend, i was dubious at the last minute and i realized it was simply because i didn't want to go by myself. how silly- really, it's amazing how strong that instinct to recoil when you stand alone is. once again, i was reminded of my admiration for dr. king in that moment. and with that thought- i told myself i must go. what a thoughtful, provoking, at times frightening, discussion it was. too much to go into now, but the man who wrote the book had a story that, like dr. king's, made me stop and pause a moment.
he worked for CIGNA for 21 years as the head of communications. towards the end of his time there, he had been assigned to a group committed to discrediting michael moore's documentary "sicko." he had already had doubts about how he was making his living, this only increased it. then, taking a break visiting his parents in TN, he heard about a huge health care fair of some sort just a short distance from their house on some fair grounds. people from all across the country come to this fair, once a year, to receive free health care. he heard that the place is just packed, and people have to arrive early in order to be able to make it into the grounds. he decided to go, arrived at 8 am, found the parking lot full of cars, but quiet. he later learned that in order to ensure that they would get in, people had parked and camped overnight. walking into the fairgrounds, he saw the massive crowd of people, lines that stretched farther than he could see, people standing in the pouring rain...and he was simply overwhelmed at the thought that these people were there, in part, due to his work. he said it looked like a scene he would see on TV in a war zone, or a third world country, maybe- a bunch of MASH units set up all over the grounds. he could not believe he was still in the US. talking to these people- they were not unemployed deadbeats, simply trying to live off of charity. no, these were people with jobs, some even had health care "plans" (if you can even call them that, with ridiculously high monthly fees and deductables, while offering very little in the way of care). these people, some of whom he had probably even grown up with- why did they deserve this? they simply were not "lucky" like him to land a high paying job, with coverage for things like health care. he vowed to himself there that he would get out of his job, somehow. and that he did, a couple weeks later, unable to shake that image in his mind. he is now a senior analyst at the the center for public integrity, the senior fellow on health care for the center for media and democracy, and also serves as a consumer liason representative for the National Association of Insurance Commissioners. when people ask why we don't have more corporate workers like him, he speaks to the trap that corporate america places its workers in. there is a mindset that one attains in the corporate environment- you are part of the team, and therefore must support the team, you need to fit this role and have the right car and the right house, and put your kids in the best schools, even if that means going into debt for these things....and then you must stay, in order to keep up this lifestyle and to pay off your debt...to explain a piece of it. certainly makes one think twice about those we are quick to despise in that position.
well, wendell potter, and dr. martin luther king, jr....i admire you. thank you for your words, and your actions. they are remembered.
Friday, December 3, 2010
dear snow

ahhh, snow, do i admit that i am actually sort of excited for you? perhaps this is because i will not have to drive in you (at least until you have settled). perhaps it is because it is becoming bitterly cold and it may as well be white and cold rather than dead, brown and cold. or perhaps it is because there is always something magical about that first walk in the snow-that sense of pure silence...that feeling that the entire world is coated, enveloped and protected...
waiting, rather impatiently now, for the flakes appear.
*image from weheartit.com
Thursday, December 2, 2010
greece
for those of you who are curious...here is just a little snippet of some of my thoughts on greece. i wrote this down a while ago for a few friends who asked me about it, and decided to save it. it is not nearly everything i could say about it, but it's what i was able to get down. here it is:
............................................
greece was amazing. not exactly what i expected…just in the sense that i felt uncomfortable more often than i realized i would….uncomfortable as far as being stereotyped as the “obnoxious, american tourist” and not knowing what i was doing…and confused about such things as "should try to speak greek (badly, but attempt, nonetheless)? or if that is dumb if i can't understand their response or if that would end up being more offensive, etc, etc…and also just trying to find places and do things that would give me a sense of the true greek culture and not the façade that is set up so many places for the tourists. does that make any sense?
despite those sometimes uncomfortable times, and the exhaustion of being in a different culture, i loved being surrounded with the greek language- it is a beautiful one. and the island we went to- santorini- honestly, it is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been.
athens was of course astonishing- the acropolis and the parthenon and the temple of zeus and the ancient agora. we went to this little mountain town, too- delphi- that was one of the most sacred sites of ancient greece (it’s where the oracle was who prophesied, as well as the treasuries which housed the gifts to the Gods, and there was a big theater and several other sacred buildings). that town was breathtaking- right up there in the mountains, with traditional looking buildings, little markets, and in between each building a glimpse into the mountains and the sunset. needless to say, it took my mom and i about 5 hours to get there, when it was only supposed to take 1.5…..we got a bit lost. it’s always good to get lost in greece when 99% of the roads have no name, we can barely speak greek, and the farther into the mountains you get, the fewer the signs that have any english on them. but I did start to recognize the greek characters for “Athens” which was helpful!
on santorini my mom and i rented a car and that was another interesting day of driving down mountain roads not knowing where we were going and almost running out of gas (!), but we ended up finding the ruins of an ancient monastery a ways up the mountainside near a little town. it was like finding treasure. it just felt like a sacred space- the wind was blowing hard, and it was just my mom and i up this mountain, walking around and imagining what all of those buildings used to be, looking out to the sea on both sides and thinking of how isolated those monks must have felt…on the mountain…on a little island in the middle of the sea. i loved that day.
i ate some delicious gyros in athens, and on the last night, my mom and i met these two amazing traveling woman who were also staying at our bed and breakfast right outside of athens. One was from france (but greece originally) and the other from canada (england, originally). we were having conversations in a mixture of french/greek/english- with the canadian woman translating the french woman’s french for us. we had a most enlightening conversation on travel, ancient sites, politics, social systems…so many things. it just made me so happy that we happened to get to eat dinner with these amazing women who sort of served as this special reminder of why it is i love traveling and what it is that you get from it- such a great mix of people with great perspective. i don’t think the trip would have been complete without that.
it was an important trip…but coming back and looking at my pictures and even just trying to talk about it…it was just so much to take in, in only 10 days that i already want to go back…but maybe being there, in the place, it is harder to be able to put your energy into taking it in, and relishing where you are, when you are just trying to be there. does that make sense? who knows. anyway, that is greece in a not so concise synopsis. i hope pics can go up soon- but i have to figure out how to make room on my computer first!
..........................
and there you have it. a little snapshot of anna and mom in greece. by the way- still working on making room on my computer for pictures....ughh.
............................................
greece was amazing. not exactly what i expected…just in the sense that i felt uncomfortable more often than i realized i would….uncomfortable as far as being stereotyped as the “obnoxious, american tourist” and not knowing what i was doing…and confused about such things as "should try to speak greek (badly, but attempt, nonetheless)? or if that is dumb if i can't understand their response or if that would end up being more offensive, etc, etc…and also just trying to find places and do things that would give me a sense of the true greek culture and not the façade that is set up so many places for the tourists. does that make any sense?
despite those sometimes uncomfortable times, and the exhaustion of being in a different culture, i loved being surrounded with the greek language- it is a beautiful one. and the island we went to- santorini- honestly, it is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been.
athens was of course astonishing- the acropolis and the parthenon and the temple of zeus and the ancient agora. we went to this little mountain town, too- delphi- that was one of the most sacred sites of ancient greece (it’s where the oracle was who prophesied, as well as the treasuries which housed the gifts to the Gods, and there was a big theater and several other sacred buildings). that town was breathtaking- right up there in the mountains, with traditional looking buildings, little markets, and in between each building a glimpse into the mountains and the sunset. needless to say, it took my mom and i about 5 hours to get there, when it was only supposed to take 1.5…..we got a bit lost. it’s always good to get lost in greece when 99% of the roads have no name, we can barely speak greek, and the farther into the mountains you get, the fewer the signs that have any english on them. but I did start to recognize the greek characters for “Athens” which was helpful!
on santorini my mom and i rented a car and that was another interesting day of driving down mountain roads not knowing where we were going and almost running out of gas (!), but we ended up finding the ruins of an ancient monastery a ways up the mountainside near a little town. it was like finding treasure. it just felt like a sacred space- the wind was blowing hard, and it was just my mom and i up this mountain, walking around and imagining what all of those buildings used to be, looking out to the sea on both sides and thinking of how isolated those monks must have felt…on the mountain…on a little island in the middle of the sea. i loved that day.
i ate some delicious gyros in athens, and on the last night, my mom and i met these two amazing traveling woman who were also staying at our bed and breakfast right outside of athens. One was from france (but greece originally) and the other from canada (england, originally). we were having conversations in a mixture of french/greek/english- with the canadian woman translating the french woman’s french for us. we had a most enlightening conversation on travel, ancient sites, politics, social systems…so many things. it just made me so happy that we happened to get to eat dinner with these amazing women who sort of served as this special reminder of why it is i love traveling and what it is that you get from it- such a great mix of people with great perspective. i don’t think the trip would have been complete without that.
it was an important trip…but coming back and looking at my pictures and even just trying to talk about it…it was just so much to take in, in only 10 days that i already want to go back…but maybe being there, in the place, it is harder to be able to put your energy into taking it in, and relishing where you are, when you are just trying to be there. does that make sense? who knows. anyway, that is greece in a not so concise synopsis. i hope pics can go up soon- but i have to figure out how to make room on my computer first!
..........................
and there you have it. a little snapshot of anna and mom in greece. by the way- still working on making room on my computer for pictures....ughh.
yesterday and today
sometimes i don't know what to say, but i want to say something. now is one of those times. so this might be a bit of rambling, but oh well. there's usually a sentence or two worth reading in a ramble. so much has happened in these past few weeks that i cannot even attempt to cover it all. instead, i will start with yesterday. and today.
yesterday i played in the first snow with a two-year-old. we ended up using bats to try to push a soccer ball along the sidewalk around the neighborhood until i saw a glossed over look in his yes, a red nose peeking out from a scarf, and asked if he was ready to turn around- "yesh," he replied. the snow didn't stick, but we stood in it, and examined it and remembered (at least I did) how cold it is. i can't even count the number of kisses i received. every once in a while, he would gently take my hand, or lean over to my face, and give me a kiss. then he would turn my head to reach the other cheek, or pick up my other hand. how many of you get a thousand kisses throughout your work day??
good thing this little guy is so stinking cute, because of COURSE now that i have somewhere to be on a regular basis, there are a million things floating around in my little brain that i'd like to do. most involve creating and crafting. (funny- not many involve looking for a job. i guess that is something i am trying to let sit and stew for a little while...trying...). i wonder....if i brought some of my projects with me to babysit....and had him join in...how would that work? hmm. i'll think on that.
t (the two-year-old) and i picked up his brothers from school today and on the way home we had the most interesting discussion of disapparating (you know, harry-potter-style). we discussed the multitude of benefits to this style of travel. let me tell you, there are lots. but before you go getting jealous of harry and his friends, don't forget that disapparating IS rather uncomfortable- you feel like you're being squeezed through a tiny hole, as i was reminded today.
anyway, i'm trying this new thing- it's called "getting enough sleep," and i don't want to get ahead of myself here, but i'm about to head to bed (yes, at 9:23!), and i'd like to make this a habit.
it is delightfully warm and cozy tonight in my house. i wish that was something that everyone could say.
yesterday i played in the first snow with a two-year-old. we ended up using bats to try to push a soccer ball along the sidewalk around the neighborhood until i saw a glossed over look in his yes, a red nose peeking out from a scarf, and asked if he was ready to turn around- "yesh," he replied. the snow didn't stick, but we stood in it, and examined it and remembered (at least I did) how cold it is. i can't even count the number of kisses i received. every once in a while, he would gently take my hand, or lean over to my face, and give me a kiss. then he would turn my head to reach the other cheek, or pick up my other hand. how many of you get a thousand kisses throughout your work day??
good thing this little guy is so stinking cute, because of COURSE now that i have somewhere to be on a regular basis, there are a million things floating around in my little brain that i'd like to do. most involve creating and crafting. (funny- not many involve looking for a job. i guess that is something i am trying to let sit and stew for a little while...trying...). i wonder....if i brought some of my projects with me to babysit....and had him join in...how would that work? hmm. i'll think on that.
t (the two-year-old) and i picked up his brothers from school today and on the way home we had the most interesting discussion of disapparating (you know, harry-potter-style). we discussed the multitude of benefits to this style of travel. let me tell you, there are lots. but before you go getting jealous of harry and his friends, don't forget that disapparating IS rather uncomfortable- you feel like you're being squeezed through a tiny hole, as i was reminded today.
anyway, i'm trying this new thing- it's called "getting enough sleep," and i don't want to get ahead of myself here, but i'm about to head to bed (yes, at 9:23!), and i'd like to make this a habit.
it is delightfully warm and cozy tonight in my house. i wish that was something that everyone could say.
Monday, November 1, 2010
anddd we're back
this title is misleading. yes, mom and i are back from greece. however, i am not planning on discussing it or posting pictures just yet. i feel like i'm still processing it and still have a hard time figuring out exactly what to say about it when people ask. so, if you don't mind, i ask for a bit of patience while i sort things out. i promise you'll get a better description with just a bit more time...in one sentence, however, it was amazing.
i do have a few other things to note though. today i became terribly distracted for quite a bit of time (i'm embarrassed to say exactly how much) by the amazing choir kids of public school 22 in staten island. their awesome choir director has posted tons of videos of them on youtube and they have had literally millions and millions of hits overall. i watched one video and was just intrigued by how 60-70 5th graders in an auditorium could be so focused and emotionally invested in what they were singing. i am not kidding you- not a single kid was talking, or slumped back in her chair, or refusing to participate or mouthing off. not a one. boys and girls alike were equally expressive and though they were all sitting, they were pretty much dancing in their seats. not to mention they sounded beautiful. they have some amazing talent in that choir. and the teacher- mr. b. you can just tell he absolutely loves those kids. he directs them with feeling, and smiles and nods at them throughout the song, noticing each kid individually. he teases them, and he supports and respects them all. here are a few links to some of my favorites. but really, check them out. they will make your day- the kids and mr. b. by the way, they are now quite famous. they have met the likes of tori amos, matisyahu, KT tunstall, matt damon, beyonce, etc. that's the other thing, too- they pretty much sing covers of pop songs-the kind of songs that the kids listen to on the radio. anyway, check these out:
i'll stand by you- the pretenders
no one- alicia keys
all is full of love- bjork
there's more....many more...but that's just a little taste for you.
also, one more thing. before it's even been a week since returning from greece, and before i have even had time to process it, i already have more traveling dreams....i think i'd like to go to iceland someday.
that's all for now. good night moon.
i do have a few other things to note though. today i became terribly distracted for quite a bit of time (i'm embarrassed to say exactly how much) by the amazing choir kids of public school 22 in staten island. their awesome choir director has posted tons of videos of them on youtube and they have had literally millions and millions of hits overall. i watched one video and was just intrigued by how 60-70 5th graders in an auditorium could be so focused and emotionally invested in what they were singing. i am not kidding you- not a single kid was talking, or slumped back in her chair, or refusing to participate or mouthing off. not a one. boys and girls alike were equally expressive and though they were all sitting, they were pretty much dancing in their seats. not to mention they sounded beautiful. they have some amazing talent in that choir. and the teacher- mr. b. you can just tell he absolutely loves those kids. he directs them with feeling, and smiles and nods at them throughout the song, noticing each kid individually. he teases them, and he supports and respects them all. here are a few links to some of my favorites. but really, check them out. they will make your day- the kids and mr. b. by the way, they are now quite famous. they have met the likes of tori amos, matisyahu, KT tunstall, matt damon, beyonce, etc. that's the other thing, too- they pretty much sing covers of pop songs-the kind of songs that the kids listen to on the radio. anyway, check these out:
i'll stand by you- the pretenders
no one- alicia keys
all is full of love- bjork
there's more....many more...but that's just a little taste for you.
also, one more thing. before it's even been a week since returning from greece, and before i have even had time to process it, i already have more traveling dreams....i think i'd like to go to iceland someday.
that's all for now. good night moon.
Monday, October 4, 2010
sometimes

sometimes i feel lazy. i think of all things that my very able body and my mind full of connections waiting to be sparked could be doing. could. because a lot of what i am doing does not feel necessary, or helpful, or even...deserved. i sleep too late. despite my hatred of the horrible feeling in my gut when i finally drag myself out of bed at 10:30, 11:00 or even sometimes 11:30 a.m. i then spend too much time "waking up," either getting distracted by the tv or my computer, which after a short while ceases to interest me, yet i remain fixated. then, i stare at my lists everywhere, and while i'm looking at those, thinking of all of those things floating around in my head not yet placed on a list and think "ohhh, what to do??" the most glaring things are, of course, those things that must be dealt with in a timely manner, but just how to deal with them is still evading me. tackling those is daunting, but it's a relief when i finally do. today i did one- i actually figured out my loan stuff! (well, for the most part).
there is one notable exception to this mostly frustrating daily ritual i too often cling to. that is my time hanging out with my elementary school buddies after school. three days a week i go pick up some little friends of mine from school and we play and i observe them and their interactions and we play more. we have great conversations about star wars and friend troubles and forts and harry potter and make believe games and characters i have a hard time following. today i even had the pleasure of viewing a magic show. i always leave refreshed and ready to give myself another chance- ready to lose the disgust with myself lingering from the morning. sometimes i'm even able to come home and power through a few productive things. it's great. sometimes i go for a run or a bike ride. despite the increased safety risks (as my parents are quick to point out), i have to say- i really, really love night runs, night bike rides and night walks. the air feels different. the world looks different. there is an energy to the night that my body picks up on and connects to. it cleanses me. the stars and the moon watch over me, and the lake laps along beside me. let me tell you, they are great companions.
i'm not sure what the point of all of this writing is. i guess all of this means i'm still figuring things out. i don't really know when i won't be figuring something out, but i feel that is a good thing.
someday maybe i will figure out how to have an open schedule and do things that i need to and that i want to and that i feel good about doing. or maybe holding that over my head is what is making it so hard for me. maybe i should just start with one thing.
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