sometimes

sometimes i feel lazy. i think of all things that my very able body and my mind full of connections waiting to be sparked could be doing. could. because a lot of what i am doing does not feel necessary, or helpful, or even...deserved. i sleep too late. despite my hatred of the horrible feeling in my gut when i finally drag myself out of bed at 10:30, 11:00 or even sometimes 11:30 a.m. i then spend too much time "waking up," either getting distracted by the tv or my computer, which after a short while ceases to interest me, yet i remain fixated. then, i stare at my lists everywhere, and while i'm looking at those, thinking of all of those things floating around in my head not yet placed on a list and think "ohhh, what to do??" the most glaring things are, of course, those things that must be dealt with in a timely manner, but just how to deal with them is still evading me. tackling those is daunting, but it's a relief when i finally do. today i did one- i actually figured out my loan stuff! (well, for the most part).

there is one notable exception to this mostly frustrating daily ritual i too often cling to. that is my time hanging out with my elementary school buddies after school. three days a week i go pick up some little friends of mine from school and we play and i observe them and their interactions and we play more. we have great conversations about star wars and friend troubles and forts and harry potter and make believe games and characters i have a hard time following. today i even had the pleasure of viewing a magic show. i always leave refreshed and ready to give myself another chance- ready to lose the disgust with myself lingering from the morning. sometimes i'm even able to come home and power through a few productive things. it's great. sometimes i go for a run or a bike ride. despite the increased safety risks (as my parents are quick to point out), i have to say- i really, really love night runs, night bike rides and night walks. the air feels different. the world looks different. there is an energy to the night that my body picks up on and connects to. it cleanses me. the stars and the moon watch over me, and the lake laps along beside me. let me tell you, they are great companions.

i'm not sure what the point of all of this writing is. i guess all of this means i'm still figuring things out. i don't really know when i won't be figuring something out, but i feel that is a good thing.

someday maybe i will figure out how to have an open schedule and do things that i need to and that i want to and that i feel good about doing. or maybe holding that over my head is what is making it so hard for me. maybe i should just start with one thing.