i am. i am. i am.

"i took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. i am. i am. i am."
-sylvia plath

needing lots of reminders and thoughts like this, lately...

i am. i am. i am.

sea of clouds

today i'm in a sea of clouds. nothing i have done, or am doing, seems quite right in this light.

gregory boyle writes in his book tattoos on the heart:
(for those of you not familiar with his "language," or his book/work, he works in some of the most dangerous neighborhoods of L.A. where gangs and gang violence are prevalent, and his work is focused on bringing people out of gangs; a "homie" is a very close friend who respects you, would do anything for you....)

we still have to put our western minds in a headlock and wrestle them to the ground. we think "blemishes" are shortcomings. we think our continually gnarly hardwired responses are not just proof of our humanity but (somehow) of our unworthiness. Homies are particularly culpable here. In an acute gangster version of the stockholm syndrome, homies identify with, and grow attached to, their weaknesses and difficulties and burdens. you hope, in light of this, to shift their attention and allegiance to their own basic goodness. you show them the bright blue sky of their sacredness, and the are transfixed only by the ominous clouds. you stand there with them and encourage them to stare above and wait twenty minutes. "you are the sky," as pema chodron would insist. "everything else, it's just weather."

(.....and then later he writes....)

jesus says "you are the light of the world." i like even more what jesus doesn't say. he does not say "one day, if you are more perfect and try really hard, you'll be light." he doesn't say "if you play by the rules, cross your t's and dot your i's then maybe you'll become light." no. he says, straight out, "you are the light." it is the truth of who you are, waiting only for you to discover it. so, for god's sake, don't move. no need to contort yourself to be any different than who you are.

(end quote)

i am the sky. i am the light of the world. right now, even in this moment.

happy, happy, happy

today thomas and i went to the playground. he can't get enough of the swing. after telling me how "awfum"(awesome) my sister is (i totally agree), he spontaneously bursts into song...his own song. and judging by the words (they went something like "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy") i think i know the title- "happy." the feeling was pretty contagious...

we talked about the birdies, and the doggies (not to be confused with "dogs," according to thomas). and we talked about how his brother, sam, went on a bus once. and the fire hydrant across the street, and how the firefighters get the water out for fires. and the woman (not a "lady," says thomas, but a "someone") across the street mowing her lawn. so many things to talk about at the park.

thanks, thomas, for making me happy.

apple trees, apple trees and more apple trees.

you know what i love about gardening? you always feel productive after it. something about working with your hands, not staring at a screen, the physical movement, and a soreness in your body later to prove it....and, looking out and seeing the fruits of your labor smiling right back at you.

i went to my grandparents' farm and planted four apple trees, using the guidance and knowledge of my grandma, and the occasional physical assistance of my aunt, grandpa and cousin. what a team we are. it was a long, hard day of work. i don't think i really knew what i was getting into when i started, but man, you need some deep holes for those tiny little things! let's hope all of our effort in every step of the planting leads to healthy, fruitful (literally) beings. ;) notice my grandma in her throne, lovingly arranged by my grandpa. she wasn't supposed to be in the sun- looks like we managed that. by the way, while she's sitting there in 3 or 4 layers of clothing, i'm in a t shirt and definitely sweating. and then notice those skinny little trees covered in promising leaves, standing proud. those...are my children. and their names are zest star (zesty?), cortland (cort?), liberty (libby?) and wealthy (???). i need a little help with a nickname for wealthy. willa?

it's humid today. summer's showing it's true colors, and it's not even officially summer yet. but i'm not complaining. it never lasts long enough anyway.

remembering today

funny how in that last post (from oh so long ago), i was talking about remembering, too.

well, this is a much less important remembering, but a remembering nonetheless. here's the deal. i like writing. and i like the idea of a blog. i like the idea of writing every day. i like the idea of consistency (in me, that is). i like the idea of doing things that i have really been wanting to do.

it's just a matter of making those ideas happen. so, here i sat, doing nothing of any importance, and i remembered my blog. and i remembered how i sometimes remember it and think "ohh, i'll do that later. i have to have more time.." well. we know how well that goes.

so, here are my rememberings from today, at this very late hour:

-chilly farmer's market, picking out plants with my mom
-delicious, huge cup of chai tea with lovely company
-drizzly, cold rally to remind our governor that we have not forgotten, and we will not back down
-a quick, yet fruitful planting session in the rain....leading to very muddy shoes, very muddy gloves, and very muddy shovels...but the mess is half the fun of gardening, right? (actually, i don't really think so- but the feeling of accomplishment and pride in those lovely living things now happily sitting in the soggy Earth is not half bad.)
-some warm Chinese take out just in the nick of time for some reeeal hungry stomachs
-planning a trip to chicago coordinating car, train and el transportation...only to discover that i can't take the train after all...it takes too long, and i have to be back in time to babysit on monday afternoon. phooey.
-and then....ohh man, i think i've just been lost these past few hours- can't say i've done a thing productive. but at least i'll be tired when i awake in the morning, right? i mean, that must be the goal of such behavior...

photo credit: artsonearth.com

these happy little things are now living on my patio. i'm lucky, aren't i?